Expert: Elise - 2/5/2010

Question
QUESTION: My name is DC, i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for six years. Since December 2009, we always find ourselves arguing. On Christmas day, he did not cometo see meI later found out that he was somewhere else and he's not home. When I called he sounded aloof and said he was at the neighbor's house, which didn't actually matched what his mom has told me, his mom told me that he was with his cousins. The  fights have been very frequent, there were very questionable whereabouts and times wherein I can't reach him on his mobile phone. There was an instance when I called him on the phone and spoke to his mom who told me that he was out having lunch,and I kept calling his mobile and no answer, later that day, he said he was just asleep and his mom didn't know that he was already home. There were signs of cheating however he does appear to be very good with reasoning and excuses, however the cheating signs are very obvious. Little issues that we used to have in the past are being magnified, and little things I do irritates him. Calls have been less, going out lessened as well. He doesn't have a job right now but he is mostly out of the house, or asleep. Despite of not having a job, he's still tired, he is not as sweet as before and very irritated. IT does feel like he always starts the fight and finds a reason to slam the phone or walk out. The last incident was last month, mid-January when we had fight and him storming out of our house, shouting at me. I did only ask about his ex which I thought a very good time to talk about since he seemed to be in a good mood, however upon hearing me ask that question, he immediately act very offended and left. We had a brief argument outside of the house when I followed him, and was accused of not trusting him all these years. He never brings out his mobile phone whenever I'm near, and when going to the men's room, he'll take more than enough time to come back. His mobile phone is always on silent mode which makes me think. He was not like this before. When he left my house, i tried calling him to see if he's finally mellowed from his hot temper, he canceled my two calls. and never called when he got home which he usually does for the last six years. He called the next day accusing me of trust issues and pointing all the negative aspects of the relationship hurts me a lot. I know no relationship is perfect but he seems to act as if he wants to leave. He's been threatening me. Slamming the phone and saying it's Over. and then calling the next day as if nothing ever happened. After slamming the phone on Monday and saying it's Over, he called the next day and said we needed both space to think things over. I agreed and he said he'd call me again to decide what we're going to do about our problems. He called a week after, that was last week, and raised negative things about me. and he said he's very tired of all of our fights. and being the person who wants to save our relationship from collapsing, I admitted my faults my shortcomings, but never bothered pointing out his flaws as I try to avoid the blame game. we did end our conversation well, without ever deciding what our final decision would be. that same day I call him in the afternoon and his mom told me he was asleep, he never returned my call later that day, and when I checked his facebook account, he changed his relationship status, it says 'no longer listed in a relationship'. I was shocked and called him, but his mom told me that he was out buying some bread. I was upset and just deleted him on facebook because I can't believe that he could do something like that, the fact that we haven't really decided what we are going to do, I did ask him during our conversation what he wants to happen and he just said 'thats up to you'. when I deleted him on fb that same night, he now changed his status to 'Single' which attracted so many comments from our friends. I feel ashamed for myself as I had no clue that after all we've been through he's going to do something like that which is so awful. Please help me understand. I haven't talked to him since. It's been five days and I am very hurt.

Thanks...

DC

ANSWER: From what your telling me I believe you are right. It may have only started out that he flirts when you guys fight to make him feel better or still desirable, but it's turned into him starting fights so he can go visit. I don't think he is seeing just one girl, I think he's wanting to prowl and the aggression is that he sees you as a deterrence to that. It probably isn't a lack of love or hate for you so much as like when a kid wants something he cries till he gets it. He is moving towards a different way of growth than you, growing apart. You may find the tension is from being together and still be good friends. He may even realize a few years down what he passed. You may even end together again.
Also the facebook thing sounds more like he wanted attention, he is probably playing a serious martyr to his friends to make an excuse to leave even if you aren't that bad. He doesn't want to feel guilty though. lol the jerk.
My papa told me something that I realized was true. He said in his day you choose a wife to love forever, he said now a days "us kids" just choose anyone and turn them into a relative, we can snap at them like a sister or act childish like they are a parent. But I have seen men that do still come to that realization it just takes a long time and coincidence to run into him when he is ready.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: It's been almost a week since we last spoke and the facebook incident however the pain is still very fresh. Friends and most recently his bestfriend sent me an e-mail asking about the break up, but I have decided to keep my silence at this point. I am very hurt and still mourning over what happened. I just figured that while he loves the attention he is getting right now, I despise the fact that people surrounding us are now talking about my personal life. I have stopped checking my facebook account as I don't want to be reminded of what awful thing he did. I also got rid of my old mobile number as I don't want to be contacted by anyone from his end or any of his friends.

I am clearly not a celebrity and a very private person. Quite frankly I am not proud of my failed long term relationship. At my age, 29, I thought he is the one that I will soon marry but I made a mistake and stayed with him for as long as I could, or until he beat me to the punch, and was the first to leave. However, I hate to admit that inside of me remains a ‘little’ hope that he will come back and make everything ok. I guess, that’s just me thinking about the six long years we’ve been together. I guess I am correct to assume that he doesn't care anymore...

I still have some of his stuff and I haven't really decided on when I plan to return them as I have no intention of seeing him anytime soon. I have learned my lesson the hard way, and I want to walk away with my dignity still intact though I still love him dearly in spite of what he has done.

Please let me know if this is the right approach. I would love to hear what you have to say about my situation.

Thanks much for your help- DC

Answer
First of all honey, sooooo sorry for the late reply. It has been quite a week! Please forgive me I know your hurting right now.
The thing with relationships is, there are two people involved. Even though you may have been on a very real, very realistic and practical approach towards it - the other person always has that off chance they may go crazy. Given the right circumstances you might have too. I'm certain he does still care, and you still have hope because you know he does. But if he is this flighty now, you might care to take this opportunity to try and get over him and recognize his negatives. That way, even if him and you get back together, you might have wider eyes for what is going on. It's easier to see the whole picture when you start to remove yourself from it, and when you can trust him again... it's always fun to fall back in love again. I would give his stuff to his parents if they are within range. But it really sounds like he is pushing away for personal reasons. Plus... if he's cheating you don't want to risk an STD from him.
My best friend, she is 32 (I'm 27) and her and her ex were together for 8 years before their separation. She mourned the loss for a long time, then went the other direction and dated more that I did. (not total but more during one time span haha) Anyway I have an ex I reference a lot. Though she was always deeply in love with her ex, she one day admitted she had no idea what I was talking about. In that, being with her ex so long she never actually experienced the kind of love or the depth of love I and my ex had. We broke up for careers, and experience all life has, to date and see if we are meant to be, and the goal to be together again in 6 years, 2 more to go... We still talk every night on the phone :) But I see him as a life partner not a boyfriend and part of life is experiencing it alone as well as with other people... anyway.
I'm not saying your love isn't real, but if you do separate you might find something deeper and more powerful than you've ever known. You might find a shoe that fits instead of leaving blisters that sting. There is a lot to gain from this loss, a lot for you to do-over, you can learn about your self instead of who you are when you are with someone. You may still be with him one day, but as dignified as you are you might find a man of equal quality. One who wouldn't air your laundry or break your heart. If you can pull away, see his flaws you might realize 6 years isn't much of a waste compared to forever. Love can be a soul-mate situation to many, but I like to think of two people as a recipe and the combinations for what you can make limitless.