Expert: Elise - 2/18/2010

Question
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. And he has a baby mama that does not like me and won't let him see her unless she is there with him. This has been like this since we have been together but the thing s she was living outta state then so he only saw his daughter a few times when she was in the state here and there. She got a divorce and moved back up here. And things didn't work outt for a while there of him seeing his daughter but now he is every other day and is talking to his baby mama on the phone well text all the time he is way more protective over his phone now and he is always deleting his message when before it was like he didn't care. I have been able to get a hold of it a few times an read them and there are things I just don't feel like he should be saying. And when I have brought up about how I feel he gets very mad. He won't go to court he pays child support but won't do anything about getting his daughter alone he rather go to her house everyother day then to be able to be home with his daughter. See she his baby mama don't like me that's why he can't take her alone. She don't want me to have anything to do with her daughter. Now here's a bit of a catch I am pregnant now as well I am going to be having the baby soon. I'm so scared that he is cheating on me it is so easy for him to and I wanna trust him but there are just lil things that make it seem like he is. Or is going to. I want to be apart of his other daughters life he knows it and he said in time it will come but he doesn't do anything to make it go faster. I feel so alone. I feel like I have lost a connection with him and that I'm always put 2nd. I know it is to do with his daughter but just the little things make it seem like he wants her back and he is only with me just cause he don't want to feel like a failure again. We have gone thru a lot together with in the year and half we have been together he has done a lot of shit for me and put up with a lot of shit more then he has for any other girl he has been with I guess supposedly that's what he tells me. My feelings don't matter to him when it comes to his other baby mama at all. What do I do is he cheating is he going to cheat? How do I deal with all of this. Oh and we have been living together for most of our relationship.

Answer
Situations like this are hard on my end, it is hard sometimes to answer a question without hurting the person who is asking. I don't know you but please know that in this answer it is not with judgement or persecution or anything else, I simply want to show other sides so that you might be able to work through this and find a place you are happy emotionally.
With this there are a few things to keep in mind with what I'm going to say. Firstly, time right now may be standing still, but over the next few years you will look back... on whatever results and know why and how they transpired. Over the next 20 years of raising your child and life time of enjoyment you get from him or her nothing else is going to matter when you see them graduate, or when you hold your first grandchild. Time is linear even when it seems to be standing still like this moment.
The other thing to keep in mind is the varying perspectives of those around you, and how those affect you and your baby. It's not like in high school when some random kid didnt like you for no reason and it bothered you. These are people who affect your life, and we as ambassadors for our own success need to try to strive to be likable to them instead of fight against those who affect us. This does not mean selling yourself short, but being mature enough to understand sometimes battles can be set aside for the sake of a greater cause even when others cant. That understanding is the difference between a lifetime of happiness and life time of struggle.

For example, there is a reason the baby mamma doesn't like you it may just simply be because you are another woman. But there are ways to step your game up and win her favor. Sure she may be every nasty word in the dictionary, but her child is your babys sister, and your boyfriend will always have dealings with her. You might one day after some serious public relations work be around her, smiling and being nice, standing up straight, and the second you leave her presence yell what a ***** she is. But the fact is you maintained for everyone else around you and when everyone else is happy - lord you will find how happy you are. Why struggle with 4 battles when you can struggle with just one. If you can find a way to befriend the girl over time you will find your bond with him becomes closer. It may seem impossible but you've got the next 20 years to do so.

On another note. With his and her relationship. You've got to understand that... pregnant or not. There was a time when he loved that girl and there were reasons for it. There was a time when he held his newborn daughter in his hands and looked his ex in the eyes with love. It's a bond that can not be compared to and it's a bond that years of arguments cannot erase. With all love, what was once there can always come back in time. Truth: He may be growing feelings for her again and her recent divorce may make her more lonely and willing to have him around.
On the other hand he may be taking advantage of her loneliness and he may have found a way to see his daughter more often by certain methods that you don't approve of. He may be being friendly and telling the girl what she wants to hear to be with his daughter. He may criticize you behind your back to make the ex trust him more, he may tell her little flirty things to keep her trusting him so he can see her.
You're feelings don't matter to him when it comes to the baby mama at all because his feelings for his daughter are more important than any feelings you or the ex may have for him or for each other. The thing is... blunt and true: His bond with his daughter is above all the games he has to play to keep everyone happy.

I do not say the following to demean your position but instead of being mad at him for being involved with the ex... why don't you sympathize with his situation? He is walking a fine balance between two angry women with two children he will love the rest of his life. He is walking a fine and difficult balance that will not hold up over time. He deep down knows he will loose everything in this path but is doing what he can with what he's got. sometimes that's all a man has are the strings he can loosely tie together and a prayer to keep them there as long as possible.
Imagine now, if he had a woman by his side that supported him instead of argued with him, if one of those two women in his life made things easier than more difficult? Don't you think his devotion would go to her? Don't you think his support and love could be put into that one instead of spread between two when they aren't angry? He would have a partner instead of a a battle, and you would have a man who you know isn't leaving you and a baby alone.
Try focusing on him, instead of her and you will find he is focusing more on you.