How to Deal With Cheaters/He won't touch me

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Expert: Elise - 2/25/2010


Question
Dear Elise,
I love my boyfriend.  He's 18, and I'm 22.  He makes me happier than anyone ever has.  He's funny, smart, understanding, he cooks for me, he cleans--he's just perfect as a person.  But he doesn't touch me at all.  We haven't kissed, hugged, held hands, or even brushed against each other accidentally.  Whenever I sit down next to him, he automatically moves away at least a few inches.  He absolutely refuses to talk about it.  All I've gotten out of him is that I can either find a new boyfriend or have sex with some other guy and he wouldn't hold it against me.  I love him, and I really believe that he loves me, so I don't want to cheat on him.  I think it would be a terrible betrayal of trust.  I want him to know that I love him more than anyone else in the world, and that he's the only man for me, but I've been with him for almost 9 months now and he hasn't even looked at me below my face.  I'm glad to finally be in a relationship that isn't focused on sex, but at the same time, I still need it.

What should I do?  Would it still be cheating on him even though he gave me permission to?  I just can't bear to go much longer without physical intimacy, but I really don't want to hurt him, either.  I'm so torn, please help.

Answer
Really, it's not a relationship if you never touch is it? Sure it's a form of relationship like a good friend, or a sister... but even your sister you hug sometimes right?
He's got some serious issues, granted... we all do.
It doesn't make him bad or anything - religious figures are often chaste.
I've known several gay men who - instead of being "gay" - choose not to have sexual interactions at all or keep it to a minimum. There is a million ways for a person to be and none of them are necessarily wrong.
So your question, is it cheating? No, not if he's given you permission. He's clearly stated that he doesn't want that in his life but isn't stopping you. It seems like a very genuine open offer on his part based on not wanting to stop you from what he recognizes as an important part of life ... just not his.

How to Deal With Cheaters

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Elise

Expertise

I can answer questions ranging from why someone would cheat, how to get away with it, and most importantly in recognizing when your motives are not the correct ones. I can help with someone who is unsure with their feelings and recognize when someone should be talked out of doing something they will regret. When dealing with those who are hurt by a cheater in their life, I am sensitive to their condition and answer questions from "the other side of the fence" in a way that focuses on the importance of not taking it as personally as many do. I will also emphasize the importance of not emotionally abusing your partner while cheating, and how to appropriately accept the consequences and not hurt your partner further if caught. There is a big difference between emotional cheating and physical cheating and I am quick to point out when someone is taking advantage of their partner by cheating emotionally, versus someone who is not satisfied but still deeply loves their partner.

Experience

I am a woman who is a firm believer in open relationships and can justify against any argument with well thought out and accurate information backing my position. In rare occasions I have been in a relationship in which my mate did not support the lifestyle. I have resorted to cheating on at least 3 partners with frequency, and was never found to have done so. I believe that humans are not by nature monogamous, and find nothing wrong with multiple partners. I strongly encourage safe practices, and proper hygiene. I also believe strongly in accepting the consequences that cheating entails, and not hurting the person you are with.

Education/Credentials
Just some psychology classes in college, including sexuality in society.

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