Expert: Elise - 4/1/2010

Question
QUESTION: My ex, Anthony and I, dated last year for about 4 months.  It was a fast, intense, but still legitimate relationship.  He's a college dropout who has serious self-esteem issues and a job he hates.  I have one degree, almost done with my BA and work.  He cheated on me once while he was very drunk and then with a girl who dropped out of school and I broke up with him.  For the next five months he went back and forth between us, him and I always fighting to get away from eachother and then get back together.  We also went through some other very difficult situations together.  However, a month after breaking it off "for good" 3 months ago and a lot of hurtful, angry words I told him of my plans to transfer to an out of state school where I had relatives, deleted his number, blocked him on Facebook and Myspace, and only spoke to one of his friends.

Three weeks ago his friend got a hold of me, telling me Tony misses me and is afraid to talk to me.  Finally, Tony called.  He cried, told me he still loved me, missed me, and was sorry for everything because I'd been and "amazing, wonderful" girlfriend.  He thought I'd moved away already and said he'd been depressed for a month and after looking for a way to get ahold of me for two weeks, finally asked his friend because he was the only one who knew how to find me anymore but wouldn't tell him anything about me at first.  He'd been having nightmares, even one about me sleeping with his friend that freaked him out enough to confront his friend.  His roommate told him he'd been screaming in his sleep.  

We met up, had lunch, went for a walk, and he said he'd told "that dumb c**t to f**k off" and that he wanted to try and work things out.  He promised he wouldn't leave me for her and we could talk if we needed to and take things slow.  It took him two days to decide he had 2nd thoughts because he was afraid of hurting me again and tell me they hadn't broken up because she was still talking to him and he's afraid to break up with her.  He said, "I want to be single for awhile.  You always told me me I need to be happy with myself before I can be with anyone else.  I still want to see if we can get back together eventually, though."  Since then, we've talked at least once a day and hung out a few times.  We started sleeping with each other again.

However, his attitude has changed.  We talk less, he doesn't want to talk about the situation and gets pissy when I try to bring it up...even when I'm being honest and laid-back about it.  I don't know what to do.  He made promises to me he isn't keeping that he says he's "working on."  I still love him, care about him, etc.  But I'm also going to therapy.  My therapist tells me he cheated on me because I'm out of his league and his self-esteem issues are much for him.  She told me the best way is to tell him I'm bothered by some things I want to talk about and if he responds negatively to refuse to talk to him again until he's ready to talk.  What should I say to him? Or should I just stay laid-back and leave him be while he gets some things figured out? We live an hour apart right now but in a month I'm moving back home to work for the summer.  Should I wait until I'm back to bring up the issue of our almost-relationship or do it now to let him know I won't be taken advantage of and save myself the time and hurt if things go badly when I move back? There's several of his friends that know we're seeing each other again and two of them have said, "Tony's my boy and all...but he's stupid.  You're awesome and it makes me mad that he hurt you."

I'm not sure what to do but any advice would really be appreciated.  I realize it's not a healthy situation but I DO care about him.  I don't doubt he cares about me, either...but I also recognize his personal stuggles that make it impossible for us to be together right now.  I don't want to get back together yet..but I DO want him to be respectful and keep his promises.

ANSWER: Yep. Thats a doozie. You know it too.
I'm going to start at the basics with this one.
A body loves drama.
YOU hate drama, but our bodies love it, it raises the pulse, gets all kinds of fun chemicals like adrenaline just running through our veins. The more we are used to it the more we want. Drama is a drug plain and simple. Thats why your situation may seem just bad to you and "crazy" to someone else. YOU might be sane as a heart attack but your body is just waaanting that kick.

Now having said that, it's no judgement. I've taken a lot of classes over the years but no lesson was ever learned so fast by a student than the first psych class I ever took. In high school, the first day. The teacher stood before us young impressionable minds and declared to the class "STUDENTS! The best thing for a sadist is a masochist" the rest was history. What that means is If it works, it works. Even if no one else gets it.

So forget everyone else. Really, truly, for you, is this working? Is THIS how you want to spend the rest of your life... or hell the next  months? Doesn't sound like it to me... but maybe it is and you just don't know why or need someone to validate it.

Now back to the chemical dependancy for a moment (remember your body loves it) If we are grown, mature, in a career... got a mortgage... whatever. It still doesn't change certain things. Yeah the memory of a bad child hood may linger, but its that physical dependance on those chemicals that developed at an early age... that causes a life time of stress to continue. Repeats the process.

moving on,
Obviously he's got issues. There is a quick fix I'll tell you in a minute. But you, what are you scared of? You might not believe a word of this, but I think deep down you want to find that someone that you can really be in a real relationship with, and I think deeper down still, you are choosing him because he can convince yourself real love doesn't exist.

The whole long-term relationship thing is scary... more scary than picking a major in college. Remember when you were doing that? if not you, your friends... who still are "working" on their general arts degree? yeah. Anyway, long term romance - like picking a career path, we dick around as long as we can until life forces us to pick one or fail miserably... haha you can ask your guy how that feels.

Sorry, I'm just joking.

So you want to fix him? Your going to hate this. For people like him its easy. super easy. He's got to bottom out. He bottoms out, he re-boots his system, and comes out with a new approach for the next lucky girl to take to the alter. I told you you would hate it.
You know... it sounds like he was pretty close with all that crying and night terrors, till you went an saved him.

To fix you and me, its harder. Why are we attracted to losers? Why do we have to be told by someone else that men are intimidated by our success, that they ruin it because WE are too good. Why can't we just fall for that slightly nerdy guy that just needs some hair gel who would buy us flowers? instead of going for the guy who needs a ride to his baby mama and doesn't bother using a fork?

Women are attracted to confidence, its carnal... the guys destined to succeed in life were picked on miserably in high school. The confident ones ran in packs and sucked on beer bongs while the ones who treat women nice sat home alone feeling worse and worse about themselves. We're sort of set up huh?
Stupidity breeds confidence. The more we know the more the world intimidates us, especially men. Women can smile and grace through most things but an ignorant man out of his element is unpredictable. Put that boy of yours infront of a full place setting and 5 course dinner surrounded by business men and watch him either yell "this is bulls***t" and storm out, or sink to 3 inches in his chair. Anything but a confident man.

So what's a girl to do? In your situation. To put it bluntly... no one is gonna be able to tell you what to do on that, and any advice you get is going to just make you ask "what's wrong with me" as you keep doing it.

I say, ride it out, you'll get to a point your sick and finally thru, and try to keep your self worth in tact in the mean time. We all have to be dumb on a boy now and again. If we all have to do it, its no reason to feel bad about our selves. LOL strength in numbers right? You've just go to keep going till you brick wall and stop no amount of thinking is going to get you to "decide" its over, you'll just one day emotionally disconnect.

And try to think on those things:
We can choose to live life in chaos and drama, or cut the addiction and live a slightly boring life.
We can choose to go for the "confident" Neanderthal or the slightly beat up guy with a bachelors in Science. Haha, the one that makes us horny, or the one that doesn't make us cry as much. It's all just one over the other.

Love,
Elise

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you!! That's probably the most straightforward, non-judgemental way it's ever been explained to me.

I think you're right.  He was close to hitting bottom and then I went running back the minute he couldn't handle himself.  I know I can't fix him, but I just want to hit him, stand him in front of a mirror and say, "What the hell are you doing?  Take responsibilty, and make a move.  What do you want?"  It sounds stupid.  He pulls this, "My life is falling apart.  I'm not at a point where I'm stable enough to be single and I'm afraid we'll start fighting again."  I say, excuses.

The problem is I've tried dating other guys since him.  Nice guys, financially stable guys, guys looking for a relationship, guys looking for fun, guys whose families loved me, educated guys, confident guys, needy guys.  None of them connected with me like Anthony.  He can be a wonderful, caring, sweet, devoted guy.  But...he can be possessive, uncontrollable, and even violent.  He's the kind of guy that when he gave me a bloody nose on accident one day said it was "sexy."  Um, what?!

I think you're right that I need to become emotionally disconnected for it to be over.  It's started to get that way.  I look at him and feel sad, embarrassed, and sometimes disgusted with him; I want to tell him he's better than this.  I also feel affection, passion, and closeness.  I get butterflies when I talk to him or see him.  I guess it's the drama you talked about.

When we dated, he took care of himself.  Ate right, kept himself clean, and talked about going back to school.  Now he's gained 30 pounds, goes days without showering, never brushes his teeth, says he's too broke and stupid to go back to school, and his hair stays long and uncombed.  Basically, he's a mess.  Not to mention he makes disrespectful comments now about me being involved with his friend.

I don't see anyway to let him hit bottom as long as he knows I'm around to "be there" for him like he says he wants.  I agree, he needs to do it though. Is there a way to let him bottom out and still be there when he's ready?  Or am I running around wasting my time?  It took two and half months of zero contact of any kind for him to break down to me.  But as long as he has this girlfriend of his, he has SOMEONE to keep his confidence up just enough to stay above water...and no commitment to me.

Answer
Well he's been catered to in some degree most his life, I doubt his parents, he sounds like he had a rough background, but in some way he was catered. His attraction to you is based on that. No, you've got other things great about you, but without that key ingredient you might be to him just as those "boring banker types" are to you. Great on paper but something doesn't "click".
Try thinking of yourself as the variable in this instance instead of the constant. Seems weird because he is so erratic. But, if it's not you... it will be someone else. If you drop him and let him bottom out, he may cling on to another "mother figure" before he fully bottoms. If not, he will take a good few months and pull himself up by the britches.
Like a baby when they scratch their knee. which by the way is the only time a lot of people our age got attention, when hurt - and can only feel affection when being comforted - not good for building a relationship around.
Anyway like a baby when they scratch their knee, a lot of times they will quit crying and move on FASTER when you don't give them attention, and when you hug them they cry longer to keep that affection.

That's kind of why I say if you let him bottom he will get better. But he will always view you as an authoritative figure and only come to you for "help". He won't know how to approach you as an equal. Your a mother figure, something to notice in the future when you go into a relationship as well, so you don't fall into that position again. There is no future with a man who sees you as a mother. (unless you want to step into that sadist masochist thing and just accept your relationship is weird lol)

If you still really want HIM alone (though I assure you someone else can do that for you to... just gotta wait and run into him) If you want him alone you've got two ways. Firstly, it's wait. Bottom him out, give him a year of misery (I recommend more like 2 or 3 years) than slowly let him back in.
The other way, which is really really messed up. Is to fake a crisis of your own that he will have to step up and take care of you. It will take a lot of thought, a lot of follow through and a lot of work. I don't know what, but it's got to spiral you into a level or non-function for a month. He's got to make you eat, shower. Stuff like that. I don't recommend it, and he might go back to him again after.

I'm going to be frank. You are better than him. I don't mean that in a mother Teresa, your helping the needy way. I mean like my grandpa always said - if you don't want your hands dirty don't play in the mud, kind of way. I mean that in a "your no better than the company you keep" kind of way. I mean that in a, no matter what you do in life, no matter how far you go, it will always be stifled by him dragging you down. With him, you will never reach YOUR full ability. Its kinda gross - like a leach - a big fat whiny leach that is sucking your potential.

haha. Anyway just don't kick yourself or kill your selves with "I should" It sounds like your near the end, soon he's going to just look gross to you. Then your free of him. Just you've got enough negativity going on, if nothing else you've got to respect yourself enough to know that it won't go faster than it possibly can.