Expert: Elise - 3/5/2010

Question
Basically my problem is that me and a girl like each other A LOT, but can't be together.  We're crazy about each other, but the only thing keeping us from dating one another is that she has a boyfriend.  They have been together for a year and a half, but have been having serious problems ever since we have been talking.  He is mean, doesn't trust her, unappreciative of her and the list goes on.  She has cried in my arms numerous times because she doesn't know what to do.  We have been hanging out a lot and we've had sex.  So basically shes cheated on her boyfriend.  How should i handle this? Should i ask her to think about it and choose? and if she says no i don't know if i am going to be able to talk to her to protect my own feelings.  Or should i just stop, let her be, and move on?? Help me!

Answer
Look, the truth isn't always hot. He's mean to her, he mentally abuses her, he's all these bad things... But she stays. This means one of two things:
1. She likes it
2. She likes to wine

Or it could be both. Bottom line, no one has got a gun to her head. If you can't say a reason why she is with him than the most obvious is the answer... He isn't that bad and she complains too much, or she deep down is punishing herself for something by being with him. Either way you can't fix THAT.

But sleeping with her you can't really hurt it either, the worst that happen is he finds out and they separate... There is no loss on your part.

However, for your own sake, if you are wanting more... ultimatum is the only way to get an answer, if she has the option to have both of you she will, who doesn't want to have their cake and eat it too? There is a science to the ultimatum though and I'll give you some tips to it.
Get her in a relaxed state, before a date, a movie is great because there is no room for talk. Before the movie (or event) starts drop the ultimatum, be serious, make a lot of eye-contact. DO NOT say she can think about it, DO NOT confess your love. After fully placing your argument on the table, Tell her the movie is going to start and you just want to enjoy your time with her before she talks smile a lot and change the "air" back to feeling carefree. Go through the movie and be as boyfriend-like as comfortable. Let her pretend you are already together, let her feel what it would be like with you and let her forget about him during that time.
After give her a hug... ask her if she's got an answer. If she waivers (she will) tell her you know it will take some time to tie up loose strings and you are here for her but you don't want to waste your time if its going nowhere. No, you can't be just friends (deep down you know why) She may agree then, but she will PROBABLY cry and say she cant and run away... don't contact her.

WHY?
Don't contact her because she will go home, take that frustration out on him, they will fight and she will get a hold of you later. At which point you can be as happy as always, ask her if she changed her mind and you would still like to have her.

Why you don't let her think about it?
Because thinking about it leaves control in her hands. He's got control of her, she's got control of you... what do you have? Take control and it is a matter of him against you, she will have to choose one rock over the other.
Plus, obviously she likes not having control with a man or she wouldn't be with him, use that to your advantage.
You also don't give her time because she will work off of what she believes is logic instead of emotion - this is the one time you want her to work of emotion. To either follow passion and go with you, or turn it negative on him later and make her own situation worse, hopefully worse enough to still come to you.

Bottom line, clearly state your terms and agree to nothing less. Do not hang out as just friends after that, but always welcome her call as if you are open to more when she is ready. I say your chances are 60/40