Expert: Elise - 3/18/2010

Question
This is a really long story so I wish you luck in following it. Last summer I started dating my boyfriend and began hanging out with his best friend as well. His best frienkd had and still has a long term girlfriend. During the summer I did not know his girlfriend, and from what I heard I did not have any interest in getting to know her because I did judge her based on what I heard.So long story of the summer short. My boyfriends best friend slept with my best friend multiple times thus cheating on his girlfriend. At the time I did not care as I didn't know the girl. So then m story gets complicated. Over the last few months me and this girl have gotten close because our boyfriends are best friends. So now that we are close she tells me and asks me if her boyfriend has cheated, is cheating, if I think he is cheating (they do NOT have a solid relatonship). And honestly she can do much much much better but of course se "lovs him to much"

   So basically my question is: What the hell do I do with what I know?? It's driving me nuts. A part of me wants to tell her. She deserves to know, and she MIGHT actually leave him and stop getting treated like garbage. But at the same time, I could potentially cause issues in my boyfriends relationship with his friend which I don't wanna be responsible for. Or, knowing her, she might not even leave him but he is controlling so he'd probably forbid her to see me and I'd lose my friend (it's that bad of a relationship)
I just need to know if I need to tell her or just forget what I know. I havebeen pondering this for so long and I figure someone tellin me what to do is just better cause I suck at tough decisions

Answer
Firstly, this is a good thing to remember for the future.
I'm not sure how that dynamic happens but we women are easily turned against each other based on the words of the men or women around us. Inherently we are all usually pretty normal though.
I had a moment once, when taking my ex to his friends house - didn't ask why. Anyway he went in then came out very angry, I asked what the matter was. He said that his friends "God damned wife" wouldn't let him borrow 20 bucks and went off on him about how he needs to get a job and quit worrying about his loser friends, then he called her the "B" word and a few other names.
Setting aside that he could have got the money from me, I thought to myself... what about that woman made her a "B" besides being the only one making sense of all of them. They had kids, why should she work full time and let him lend out money when they are bad off - especially when we were not.
I laugh now that my ex has moved out, because I'm sure his friends wife things I'm a "B" for kicking him and his kids out. It's just how it is though, we always thing worse of the woman and the men use that to their advantage at times.

As for your question...
I have always been the kind of friend, no I have always been the kind of person to tell the truth regardless. You are a better person for telling the truth, a better friend, a better associate, and I've found the benefits always come back to you even if it seems tough in the beginning. I don't mean telling a friend she is gaining weight, but I do mean - if you see  your friends man making out with someone - you let her know - with as much proof as possible.

She is asking, but knowing like you said, may not be enough to help her separate. If she is as emotionally unstable as you say (in that she is controlled) the more you have for support the better. You want proof, or some friends to back you. T convince her the truth that she may not want to believe, but also show her she has people there for her. Consider it an intervention.

It really bothers me that your boyfriend is fine with him cheating, or is he? If you are in a position with him where you can have a serious moral conversation with him. He may just not want to cause problems convince him it's for the better. That way you two are strong through this.

Another consideration is to involve the girl he cheated with. For a woman who is cheated on it is easier to blame the faceless woman instead of the man. Show her who this girl is, let them talk, let her see that it was him.

The bottom line here, is the girl already kind of knows, when you are being cheated on and all the signs point to yes, but everyone around you doesn't know or doesn't say anything... you begin to feel crazy, and you question yourself. This is a very damaging scenario. If she is already weak, this can damage her and her relationships in the future.

See women who are attracted to that sort of deception obviously have some issues to sort out anyway, she needs to be liberated so she can begin to learn the difference - or maybe she will find another one who knows. But at least you've done your best to help someone.