Expert: Elise - 4/9/2010

Question
Hey, I posted a couple of days ago about me being tempted to cheat - your feedback was extremely helpful.
I have now been reading other questions on here that seem similar to my situation.
Since being attracted so much to this other guy iv been thinking of how much easier things with my partner would be if we had an open relationship.
I read the rules that you suggest be set and I completely agree with it all.
Now my only problem is, iv had a chat with my bf - about me worrying im young to be settling but that I dont want to leave and I still love him. I even admitted to him im Bi-curious and thats taken me two years to admit that to anyone.
I mentioned twice during our chat that im interested in an open relationship but that I didnt think he would go for it.
I can think of soo many plus's to it - but I have no way of wording it to him.
I dont want to hurt or upset him, but I know deep down it would be healthy and helpful for us both.
I have a problem with saying things - I know what I need to say but the wording comes out wrong and then I mess up and he gets confused or takes something the wrong way, so I was wondering if you had any good advice on how to sell this to him? I know writing what I need to say down would help but I cant exactly read it to him off a piece of paper - I want it to sound real and heartfelt and for him to know I still love him so very much.
Thankyou so much for reading again, I feel alot better about things now that I realise what I want - im just anxious because I might not get it and then ill have no idea where to take things from if he says no.
Amy x

Answer
That's the hard part. Even for a well spoken and confident person on the subject... it is a hard sell. People hear "open" and they... close the doors. lol

For any debate (and it will be a very friendly debate) The thing of utmost importance is to go in with a good understanding of your feelings and the facts.

Really envision how that would be, to be in an open relationship. Not just the "I get to go do whoever I want" part. As I had said before, it really changes who you are as a person - your trying to attract someone so you're on your game more. You fall deeper in love with your Mr. Because one day he decides to shave just a different way thats totally hot. You begin to see each other as people instead of just who you are as a couple. It forces you to truly become best friends.

Really picture what impact the openness would have on the two of you. Take that with you and sell that side of it.

You could segway into it. How does he feel about gay people? I often state that I've got no right to question gays. It's natural or it wouldn't happen. In nature, the wild, it is very very common for animals of overpopulated species to have a certain percentage behave "gay" even when there is no benefit to them reproductive or pleasure wise. Humans being clearly over-populated, and enjoy sex unlike most of the animal kingdom, it's only natural that they seek from their own to slow the population growth. I've had a few gay friends who don't like to be compared to animals (most love it lol) but the bottom line is we have sex to breed and everything else is just a perk and an instinct. It's animal, straight or gay.

Take that conversation then further if he agrees... if it's not natural it woudln't happen. People cheat all the time, quote what I said about dolphins never cheating, then suggest that humans arent naturally monogamous. Then quote the breeding habits of many cultures in which men take on several women. It must be natural to have multiple partners and we are fighting a very basic instinct by doing so.

If you lead in like that... don't ask for an open relationship that day. Let that thought dwell in him for a day or two.

The good thing is, you've already gotten his mind open to it.   

You could ask for it for your birthday or christmas too. lol. Make it fun if you can't be serious. Keep talking about it. The worst he will say is no, and he loves you so much he won't leave you over that. And even if he says no 10 times... keep pushing over time... sure it's kind of like rape but you'll eventually get what you want. And he will eventually see the motive behind the madness.