Expert: Elise - 4/2/2010

Question
QUESTION: I'm married to a great guy that I deeply love very much. He makes me happy and we are a great couple. We've been together 5 years, married for 2 years and everything has been perfect between us since we have been together. We have fun together, we spend a lot of time together, couldn't be better! Recently I met someone, a guy, that I have a strong attraction to. We've hung out and he tried to kiss me, knowing full well that I am married. I resisted kissing him because I love my husband with all of my heart and wouldn't ever want to hurt him by cheating on him. With that being said I still can not stop thinking about this guy. I want to see him again but I am afraid I won't be able to hold him off (Or hold myself back) for long. I want to kiss this guy but I don't want to hurt my husband and I don't want to leave my husband. (Kissing could lead to more which also scares me) I'm so confused and don't know what to do. I don't want to have a serious relationship with this guy but I do want to have a somewhat intimate relationship with him. I've told my husband about this guy already but not that he tried to kiss me or about how I feel about this guy. I don't like to keep secrets from my husband. I don't see this guy being anymore than a fling, nothing to go getting a divorce over to be with this guy or anything. I just have these strong feelings that keep pulling my thoughts to this guy. I guess my question is what can I do about this problem? I don't want to cheat for fear of hurting my husband because I have full intentions of staying with him but I also have deep interest in this guy. Is there a way I can possibly talk my husband into having an open relationship? I know times are changing and people are doing things they weren't aloud to do years ago. We are a young couple, both 22 years old, so I am hoping we can come to some sort of solution without getting a divorce or separating. I just don't know how to go about talking with him about this. In the 5 years we have been together this is the first time I have ever had the desire to be with another guy. I am mostly confused why I have these wants when I love my husband SO much. Being cheated on in the past, I know how badly it can hurt and I don't want to hurt him and I definitely don't want to end our marriage. This guy is totally ok with me being married and it doesn't bother him one bit that I am spoken for. We are both really just interested in a fling and nothing serious. What can I do? I really need some serious advice and FAST! I need options so I can figure out what to do. Please help!

ANSWER: I've got to warn you. I get very very wordy on this subject. I'll keep it short. But it truly is, my favorite subject haha.

You know were human. Depending how you religious you are, were still animals too. And frankly, I've always said it and believe it firmly: Penguins are monogamous, dolphins are monogamous, humans are not. When was the last time you heard of cheating dolphins? You don't because they don't. We do because we do. Sometime during our culture we decided to be and thusly went against our nature.  Did you know 38% of the population admit to having cheated - and nearly 80% have been cheated on? Some people like to think in the box, some people like to think outside of the box... I just like to look AT the box. If you ask me, the box isn't monogamous by nature, it is by choice. Given that, you have the choice to be with this new guy or not. You might have hormones pumping for him (thats part of the animal side) but your have a mind that can choose which is better. I personally am a HUGE advocator of open relationships. I like to think of the man I'm with as a life partner... and we keep living. But it is a hard sell. For you, learn as much as you can, think as much as you can about what I'm going to follow with here, and form your argument for it to suit him. Giving him a speech isn't going to work, it has to come from the heart so he can feel like its real and he can trust you on this.

Now some things work for open relations and many things DONT.
I want to tell you, going into an open relationship with a particular guy in mind... bad idea. When your bored of him and your husband wants to keep going... you'll be twiddling your thumbs. You want to go into this with an open mind to possibilities and to expand your own self knowledge. You have to go into it with a disconnect from sex. You make love to your husband, but sex is just sex. An open relationship is a life choice. It's not a "lets do this for a year" OR WORSE the "free pass" The only way open relationships work is by accepting and understanding it as a life choice, with your life partner. Other wise you might find your marriage over fast.


MY RULES FOR OPEN RELATIONSHIPS - I'm not currently in one, but over time these have worked for me, and for many people who are still in lasting ones:
1. Don't talk about it.
Consider the openness like taking a number two. You both  know you do it, but you don't do it with the door open, or talk about it. You take your poo, you spray the room with glade and you turn the fan on.  You both know you do it, that should be all there is to it and as natural as that. Don't be "open" about what you do, don't say "i got laid today" and keep score, or compete, it seems cute but it makes a bad situation.

2. Know the first year will be weird.
You won't know what to talk about or if you should ask questions or share a funny story. Know in time you two will find a good level of communication about it. DONT FORCE IT Also, never EVER have a situation where it seems you are recommending something you learned from another guy to him. Don't try a new position you learned with him. He is your husband, you take him how he is. Over time you both just naturally get better with each other, but make sure he is still the man, and the rest is just meat.

3. Don't set a time limit.
The bottom line is sex and sowing seeds it will eventually get out of both your systems after a while. After 5 or 10 years you'll not be interested in screwing around any more anyway, not for any other reason than you get bored and tired of it. By the time your bored, if he's still going or vice-versa you wont care.

4. ALWAYS WEAR PROTECTION
Seems obvious, but temptation will come. Always always always wear protection. Not wearing protection is the only true way to cheat. It's dangerous and it's stupid.

5. Don't bring it home
Ahhh I know! It would be so much easier! I'm gonna lay the bottom line on this one. Women are nuts! You might find a crazy man down the line but guys tend to be much more ok with "just sex" than women. A LOT of women will follow your husband into this "just sex" thing hoping for more, when they realize they cant, they go nuts. You don't want a slashed tire, broken window or in the least... missing jewelry. You don't want to be at risk like that so just agree for both of you - keep it in a hotel or at their place, no one knows where you live.

6. Open with your partners from the beginning.
Especially in your husbands case. It needs to be clear with the people you are sleeping with that it is JUST SEX and that you love each other very much and will not leave. The more he can hammer that into the women the less of #5 will happen. With that keep from complementing the "mate" in ways other than sexual. "you look hot today" is fine but "i missed you" is begging for trouble. Keep it sexual.

7. Permission slips?
You'll be surprised how many people are ok with it if they have permission. and I mean HAVE permission. One co-worker of mine had his wife write out permission slips for the ladies, which was tiring to say the least. You two might care to come up with a blanket permission slip that proves it's open without having to re-do it every time and personalize it. Like say, take a picture together holding a sign that says "we are in an open relationship yes you can sleep with my spouse" lol and you both carry a copy. This also helps with rule #1. Plus, if the women see you and him hugging like that and holding a sign, it will possibly drive home that he is happy and not leaving you.

8. Expect to develop feelings
You know, it's fun to look forward to someone. It's fun to like someone more than sex. It will happen. Know you've got an ideal situation with your husband though, if he lets you dip out and still come home, this new guy you like this week won't be that cool, or only be that cool until he has you. If your husband agrees know... you've got one in a million and never forget that.

9. Hygiene baby
Try an take a shower after you do it. Like spraying after you poop, you don't want to come home smelling like axe body spray. Just like you don't want him smelling like vanilla fields or some other cheep nasty scent. Plus, really, if your still going to make love that night you don't want to hit a patch of spit as you kiss his neck any more than he wants to put his hand on your hip where someone popped one off. It's just respectful at the very least.

10. Dont change plans
My final rule. Keep each other first. If you've got movie plans, sure you could be screwing that hot latin tango dance instructor - but your husband is first. Keep your plans, keep each other first.

Benefits:
So why do it at all?
Why do I support open relationships? Why should you? WHY SHOULD HE?
Because it makes you a better person. No. Literally.
Firstly the fun of a budding connection, gets all those hormones pumping, gets you excited about life again. It's not that your husband CANT do that, in fact I guarantee he brings a very stronger much deeper feeling to you. But all those fun "new" feelings and butterflies that we had in high school - you can only get them from a new person. Thats no discredit to your love or you, Heck, you may not be able to fish but he still wants to. Its a fun part of life that we deny ourselves with no need.
So how does that make you a better person?  You try harder. Part of being in a steady loving relationship, is you don't have to be at your best to have their love. You don't necessarily do your hair all up in the morning, he may not work out any more. We start to slip, we get OLDER. With an open relationship you both turn back into the people you where when you first met, when you were first trying to woo each other. You become you at your best again. It will rev up your love lives again too.
Beyond that, lets dip into a physiological reason, they say we stop maturing when we get into a relationship. It's not that we don't keep growing, its that we start growing together, our own progress slows incredibly. We fall in love with someone the way they are then and spend the rest of our lives trying to stay there (ugh even if we are now 50 year olds in 20 year old minds) In an open relationship your still learning, still growing. You can't help but learn about personal dynamics and how you are in certain situations, and adjust yourself in them. On top of that, after a few years you both will get GOOD. You'll be able to reel in a date no questions and know how to work people, you will value the connection you two have now even more than ever... the easier it is to work and form those superficial bonds with people, the more you both will value the strong connection you have. It sounds twisted, but both of your charisma will double, which isn't just good for getting a date - strong sexual charisma brings job advancements, more intelligent and interesting friends, better connections with the people you know now. It literally makes you a better more confident person.

Finally, when describing these things to your husband, imagine how an open relationship really is. You've got this fun guy that you flirt with at work, the first kiss, oh and his hand in your shirt. All the excitement of firsts with someone. And none of the worry. It doesn't matter that that guy is the copyboy and gets paid 8 an hour, or that he beat his ex wife. It doesn't matter if he will ever make anything of him self. Because it's just sex, its just fun and just a flirt. And he can go hit on that girl that works on hot topic - it doesn't matter if she's got a neck tattoo and will never have a 401-K and his parents would hate her. It's all the fun of the firsts with none of the worries when picking a partner. And the best part - if either of you get rejected, it doesn't really matter. Your not single looking for love, you weren't just rejected as a person and going home alone. It's ideal. You have that fun. You come home, you and your husband cook dinner, play footsie under the table, slap each others butts with the wet towel while doing dishes. You cuddle up and watch a movie, pillow fight. It is literally, literally, the best of both worlds - and if you ask me the only way to fully experience life for all it has to offer.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: First off, Thank you so much for your advice! This information is very helpful and I really appreciate you taking the time out to lend a hand.

Being very confused about my feelings in all of this, I don't know what to think or what I am thinking. My husband trusts me incredibly and I trust him, something I used to have issues with as a teen but have grown into with him. The only problem I can't get past is if my husband will be willing to go out with people too. If I do manage to get him to agree with an open relationship I think he will struggle with going out with other women. I don't even know if he would ever go out with another woman. Like I said, we are very close and very happy with one another. His opinion is different than mine. He doesn't think it is possible to be with someone and still have fun on the side. I have been searching around online the past couple of months for information on how I can sort of experiment with new things in life and try to get my husband to join in with these new adventures. I've looked into everything from swinging to the whole picking dates for each other. Neither were really what I was looking for because I really don't know what I am looking for. I'm afraid he will be completely against trying something new or assume I don't love him anymore or losing love for him. It's not that he doesn't make me happy or keep things interesting in our relationship, I just want something more that I can't quite put my finger on. This guy that came into the picture isn't really what brought up these feelings, he just highlighted them. Made them bolder, made them stand out more. So if I can't get my husband on board what should I do next? I don't want him to be ok with me "cheating" just to make me happy but then again what choice do I have? I can either hold these feelings back or let in to my wants. I'm just not sure if he will want to participate in an open relationship on his end. I know my husband very well and I don't think he would feel comfortable going out with other women. I don't want to be the only one going out with other people. I mean, it's not like I want to push him into doing it so I can do it too but would it be weird if I was the only one willing to explore? I really am so confused on what to do. I feel like it's a lose/lose situation. He wants me all to himself and he doesn't want anyone else, even just for some fun. I want to explore and have fun but I don't want to lose him either. No guy could ever be better for me than my husband is. I just don't know what to do with these feelings and I defiantly don't know what to do with my problem. Is an open relationship really the answer I am looking for?

Answer
You know, an open relationship is better than the "swinging" and the picking a date. It's less shock to the system. Plus in swinging, people tend to be very sex oriented, I don't get the impression that you are interested in just sex. I think you like the fun of a fling and the excitement of anticipating. It's fun to wonder "will he kiss me" Swinging is really for people who like sex and just want to get off, if you aren't 100% about that you'll feel used and a little dirty. I kind of dug it but really, your picking amongst a small group, are pressured even if you aren't into the guy you end up near, and I'm incredibly picky. Single guys tend to take better care of themselves also.
See I like open relationships because as I said earlier, it brings out the best in you also. You care for yourself like when your single, but you still have someone who love you for who you are, you have that confidence knowing your not alone.

Enough on all that.

What's your problem woman? Your bored? There's an exciting part of life your missing out on.
Does your husband have low self esteem? Or is he very good at letting you know your his only true? He may not actively run around like you might intend to, but even a sweet guy can have his head turn. If his esteem is low, monogamy might be more of an excuse than a reason for him to not try to pursue a female. What I mean to say is, his behavior, weather or not your aware of it... if a decent woman got his attention, and he had freedom to enjoy her. He would. He might feel guilty. But he would, and once thats over he might go another 6 months and another woman flirt with him, and he might be more confident that time.  He would slowly pick up the habit. You might even find that by the time your ready to just relax again with just him - he's only gotten started. Thats part of the give and take of that situation.

But thats all a relationship is to begin with. Give and take. Your husband may be a little under-stimulating in certain ways. But it doesn't sound like you've got one who is constant drama. He sounds like hes mostly fufilling and a good person, which might deserve some patience and a little give, If your not sure on an open relationship... then maybe you just need to convince yourself that he is worth you setting those wants aside for the larger picture. I'm sure he is.

So do you enjoy your cake, or do you take a chance at getting to eat it too? You can have the best of both worlds, is it worth the risk at hurt feelings? I don't think he will leave you - at worst deny you.

You could always just cheat, let the guilt consume you and then be with him and treat him like a king until your dying days, him never having known more than something in you changed for the better.

Have you got a hot friend who would be interested in a fling with him? If you want to convince him, bring the idea up to him, let him get confused and hurt. Drop it, spend a week convincing him that you are the only one he wants, you just read some silly magazine about it and it sounded like it would be good for both of you. Then introduce the friend, and let her be just a little flirtatious. Get it in his mind and keep that going a few weeks. He might start to consider it.

At any rate, don't let THIS consume you. You've got a lot of great things going on in your life, this is just one thing. You can choose to ignore it or feed it. But know whatever your going through is natural... or it wouldn't happen. It's important to give yourself time to ride through and really know what you want.