Expert: Elise - 4/12/2010

Question
When is internet cheating not cheating? I am still with my partner but last year found emails between him and other women on the internet where they had swopped pornographic photos. My partner initially lied about and tried to play down his involvement, but I found out the full extent which was that he'd never met them, and that his penchant for cannabis made his 'internet haze' seem harmless to him.

We had been drifitng apart before this so I can kinda see why he did what he did (it was harmless in his eyes, it hurt like hell in mine). We split up over it but I missed him madly even though I dated other guys. He went to counselling and agreed to give up cannabis and we agreed to try again.

Fast forward a year, we're living together, hes not smoking cannabis but instead smokes 'legal highs'. Its been a long hard slog trusting him again (now and again I still check up on him during my insecure moments). However we seem to be drifitng apart again. He claims its all in my mind, but I trust my emotions and give regard to my own feelings. There is nothing definite in his words, but his behaviour has changed (but he denies it has, which is very frustrating!). I don't want it to get to the stage it did last time, where he effectively cheats online. I'd prefer to deal with the issues head on before that stage is reached, but he says he has no issues and the percieved change in his behaviour towards me is all in my head!

I don't want to make the wrong decision and decide to call it a day then miss him as hugely as immensely as I did before, but neither do I want to carry on feeling 'second best' or an 'annoyance' to him. He talks the talk, but his actions don;t match...... However I also think that maybe I AM the one in the wrong and that he's right, I am misunderstanding everything.

So how on earth do I decide what to do next? I don't want to go down the 'this relationship is rubbish but lets keep flogging a dead horse' route .. but how do I know when the horse really is dead?

How does someone decide when to cut their losses and move on, and when to keep fighting for something? - I need to also say the reason I distrust myself in making these decisions is that I appear to have an issue with rejection, stemming from the long term chronic illnesses my father had which meant he couldn;t give me the attention I wanted, and ending with his death when I was 12. .... Yes I've been to counselling in the past to work that one out....Apparently it means I hang on too long to things. How do I know if thats happening now??

Your advice on my ramblings would be greatfully received.

Many thanks

Answer
I honestly didn't catch a "red flag" until half way thru when you said he said "it's all in your head"

I've never seen a situation when a woman has EVERYTHING in her head, that is the first thing men do to make a woman back off is to make them feel that they are crazy. They will call you crazy from your first suspicion down to when you throw him and his girl out of your bed. We've got to stop listening to that crap.

Now depending on the nature of his adventures online. That level of "cheating" is parallel to the level that looking up pornography online is or having dirty talk on a 900 number is. Really he's just getting his rocks off. It is important to realize it's not emotional cheating.

Usually the online sex chats are no more than advanced and free pornography that is rampant on the internet anyway. You can yell about it and be angry but he's probably going to do it anyway - it's private and he's probably addicted.

If you certain he had no thoughts to run away with these women, or talks about his feelings for them I really wouldn't be more than irritated. Some women freak out over bachelors going to strip clubs but it's really probably just as non personal as that.

The best way to know for sure on that, is to back off on that all together, act like your cool with it and when he relaxes you can go in and get a real picture. You can always also make a fake character up and ask to meet him, if he agrees, leaves and goes to meet your fake girl... I'd put his stuff on the curb for when he gets back.

Another big difference is how he meets them. Is it in Yahoo chats with random people, or is it on Myspace where he keeps in contact and knows about the people. Does he text them?

The fact that it's hard to trust him again over the year is concerning too. It should have built up again by now if deep down you didn't know what he was up to. Part of this "crazy" feeling might actually be that he is crazy some. Some men, more than you think, do genuinely believe what they are doing is not wrong, simply because they think they are treating you good enough.

You had mentioned that you have issues from being 12. Well men do to, if he is truly cheating (and not just getting his rocks off) it is in the same way a little boy will look at his mom and say he didn't eat the cupcake when there is frosting on his face. He genuinely believes if he can get away with it he didn't do it. There is no fixing that.

As for you, when to cut and how.
I tell this to everyone. When your ready you simply will. You can't decide. You can't make up your mind. One day he will just wring every last bit of emotion and hope out of you and you will walk away stone faced and in disbelief. Sounds dreadful I know, but that is how we are built. You can try and tell yourself what the logical thing is, but it's got to come down to that "there is no hope left" moment. The important thing is to not kick yourself while he's kicking you. Don't call yourself stupid for staying longer than you "should" because we all stay as long as we possibly can. Can't be stupid if we all do it - just makes it nature.

If I can recommend anything in this scenario. Cheat. Oh goodness I'm awful! haha

He want's to play games that he's not cheating with the girls online. Well go ahead and emotionally cheat. Your not touching the guy right? Find a guy who makes you smile, you enjoy talking to... and talk to him, go to dinner. Maybe accidently touch his hand as you pass him a pen. Look forward to seeing him again and say things like... "I can't, I wan't to, but I just cant." Most importantly ENJOY IT! Don't go too far (((so your not cheating)))

In the end the new guy will be the deciding factor if you should leave your current one for him, or be enough of an emotional distraction for your boyfriend now to realize he is loosing you to some unknown force (((which he is crazy for thinking RIGHT?))) and he will step up his game and focus on you.