Expert: Elise - 4/10/2010

Question
QUESTION: I am in a difficult situation but will try to keep my question short.  I am a married woman with four children.  My husband and I have been thru a rough patch in that we have both felt unsatisfied in our marriage.  We are giving things our best shot but have both agreed on having a more Open relationship as we both love the thrill of simple sex.  We know that we don't want a relationship with anybody else and that our marriage is still the pinacle for us.  I recently met a man through our business who has caught my eye.  In fact I'm finding myself obsessing about him.  I have got so caught up in my fantasies about him that I sent him a series of very raunchy secret admirer texts telling him what i want him to do to me.  I thought I'd play for a while and see what happened.  Well after a bit of tooing and frowing and him wanting to know who I was and me telling him to be patient etc dont spoil it, he is now expecting his secret admirer to turn up for a night of no strings in a week.  Problem is, he doesn't know it's me, he knows I'm married etc but how do I explain when I get there that our marriage is open?  He is a player and has told me before he loves to have sex.  I am now fearing that I have misread this mans flirting with me (he was quite forward and suggestive with his comments)and that I might turn up and he wont want to have anything to do with me.  Please help I need some advice.  This is my first try outside of my marriage and I feel awkward.

ANSWER: I love an open relationship!
Congratulations for finding a man and being open to enjoying life to the fullest - and sharing the best of both worlds together!
I have to say the letters sound fun but I see your predicament. That is like the wrestlers before a match talking about how they are going to pulverize the opponent and then go get their butt handed to them.
Generally speaking, if you've got an interest in someone to the point your at, it's usually not one sided. We're not really built mentally to go as far as you did without some positive feed back.
With open relationships a lot of people can't understand the whole thing sometimes. I've found that taking a picture with your loved one, both arm around each other and a sign that reads "we are in an open relationship" is the best way. Carry it with you. I've had a co-worker who had is wife write permission slips but the photo I think is better because it also shows the two of you happy - and hammers in that you are not leaving him for anyone, and you won't get writers cramp.
With your sexy letter campaign, I say run with it. The intrigue is huge to begin with and you have that in your favor. Generally speaking, unless your 10 years older than him or 80 pounds heavier... you should be fine. Most men who already have an erection... aren't likely to turn down suitable meat if your both alone. If he is as experienced as he sounds... I've known a few like that and they tend to genuinely enjoy the female form in most shapes and sizes, almost as an art instead of a "hot guy see hot girl" thing. If you really want to test it just start flirting more and see how he responds. The benefit of being anonymous is that he won't know you if you don't show up. But then again... he may already have a good clue. ;)

Also, for your relationship. In a recent article I've really outlined my "rules for open relationships" there are some ideas there you might want to consider before you go further in this. I'm not saying that it's a must, but I've found them quite successful. The article where I highlight them is here http://en.allexperts.com/q/Cheat-Partner-Deal-846/2010/4/Curious-Confused.htm

Please ask more questions if you have them
Elise

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks Elise.  Your feedback is fantastic.  I need my mind setting at ease about the follwing: I am so frightened about getting to his house and him being completely appalled - he is very attractive, probably plays flirty flirt with half of his clients so I'll let you in on the following and your feedback would be greatly appreciated:-

-  He would make a point of touching me to let me know if there was a customer out the front when we would be chatting out the back.
-  He would answer the phone for me if I was busy.
-  He often made suggestive remarks on the telephone when I was placing orders pretending to miss hear things I said and construing them into something sexual
-  Let him know that things weren't good with my hubby and he lent across the counter and gave me his address
-  When I questioned him about the above the next day he backpedalled and said I don't normally give it out it sometimes means danger
-  I bent over a bench one day and he had to get passed me and grabbed me on either side of my hips and eased himself passed - it felt like i'd been hit with electricity and shuddered - he walked out laughing
-  I had no bra on under a top one day and he noticed grabbed me by either arm and shook me to make my boobs wobble!!  Very naughty boy.....
Am I interpreting his messages correctly that there is more to this than flirting or is he just playing??

Thanx Elise

Answer
The address is a big one for sure. The rest could be just normal flirtation. Does he do that with EVERYONE or just like the more attractive half of the staff? If it were the more attractive half of the staff I would wager he would "enjoy" any one of them if the chance came up... Which is good right? Thats you :)