Expert: Elise - 4/19/2010

Question
QUESTION: I want to cheat on my husband with a man (lets call him Barry) I have known for over a year.  Barry and I have just recently let it be known to each other of our mutual attraction and desires; we have been fanasizing over each other for at least 6 months, but have just found out about each others fantasies this last week.  Both of us are married.  Both of our jobs make it to where a LOT of people would recognize our faces and vehicles.  We are absolutely committed to getting together and sharing of each other what we can.  We are both in crappy marriages, but ball-and-chained into them nonetheless.  We are so desparate for each other's company that the though of meeting in the middle of a several hundred acre cow pasture on a blanket even sounds attractive.  Please give me some advice on how to take precautions that neither one of us are caught or found out.

ANSWER: The physiological game is much more important than maintaining identity. (Of course maintaining your identity is very crucial, so you can see the psychological game is that much more so.)
You need an alibi for several reasons.
You need an excuse to show why you feel so refreshed and excited when you come home. You need a concrete schedule so that it's not suspicious when you go. Finally, when you are caught, it gives the Mr. something to hate instead of you. He won't question everything you've ever done so much as hate that you joined a bowling team and perhaps dislike anyone who he thought was on the team.
(other things could be a free membership to a gym, or a book club.)
Start your groundwork first so that when you begin it's a smooth transition. It's good to remember anything you can explain in advance is one less thing to look suspicious.

I personally recommend the gym membership. You're sweating, it makes sense if you take a shower. You can't really answer the phone working out. Plus people feel great after a work out. The only glitch, is if he calls the gym you talk about and no one's heard of you. You might even buy a membership so your names at least on the rolls. Make it clear that your file is private so they don't blurt out "well she's never actually worked out" over the phone.

Then follow through with that, get a gym bag, a cute workout outfit, keep your personal shower stuff in there. (I recommend a shower after, you will smell like him and your husband will know)

When you come home every now and again have an anecdote like "this woman had the worst camel toe" or something so you and him can share a moment about it. The more you believe you are at the gym and not cheating, the more he will.

As far as privacy and locations. Is hotels an option? There may be one near a super market or with a more communal parking lot. Park far a part, walk in at different times and change the location if you have multiple options.

Never underestimate small towns outside of yours too. If money isn't a huge factor, you might even rent a very small efficiency apartment somewhere. They can run very cheep if you find the right one. The amount you pay for a room 4 times a month might be equal to the cost of that small place. Then just get you a futon. Many are month - to - month and you might feel you'll be with this man for some time and justify a 6 to 12 month lease.

Or are you planning on using your own homes?
Let me know a little more before I go on for an hour :)


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Elise,
Thank you for your reply.  No, we are not planning on using our own homes, as nosy neighbor syndrome would have us found ut in nothing flat (small towns).

I always go horseback riding alone, and there is a window of time once a week when I'm between jobs (that I don't EVER go home between) for us to schedule a liason.  Like I said before, most everyone within 100 miles would recognize one or another of our vehicles, so parking off-road and out of sight of the road within that distance is an absolute necessity.  I do not think a hotel would be an option, as nice as that would be, unless we found one that A) had discreet parking, and B) accepted cash and an alias upon registration; credit cards are not an option because of tracability.  Neither one of us has an aversion to the pasture idea, with the exception of bug bites.  I think the apartment idea is a novel one, if there was any to be had, and if we could afford the time and $ it would take to make that happen outside our "100 mile zone", if you will; but making excuses as to where the $ went to each of our respective spouses is yet another hurdle; the gym idea is brilliant, if either of us were that "type", but we're not.

We have even thought of purchasing with cash pay-as-you go phones, but explaining another phone to our spouses would be difficult.  Our plans right now are the same, so there is no minutes used between us, and we delete our calls to each other as soon as we are done, plus have "generic" names assigned to each other in our contacts.  Should I find out whether or not the #'s called show up on the monthly statement?  My old service provider didn't do that, but my husband and I have just changed over to the same service as Barry's, and don't know that for sure yet.

We both have children, and both of us are horribly mis-matched in our marriages.  The thought of getting out has crossed my mind several times, even before Barry and I "came out" to each other, and his marriage has been on the rocks to the extent the locks were changed on him, well before he knew about me.  We have no idea what the future holds, but we don't want each other to be the excuse to get out of our respective marriages, should that ever happen.  I can deal with it either way, but I do think we are nicely matched should it ever wander down that road.

Thanks again for your advice, you've been quite helpful.

ANSWER: Ok, it's good to know the surrounding area better.
The horse thing is great!
If its such a small town as you said, than there should be ample places to roam. You could say, park your car in a predetermined location and have him pick you up, then travel to your second location which is further back-woods. Perhaps there is a two track nearby?
The problem with the open spaces or finding an abandoned building is you really can't guarantee no one will happen by.
If bugs are your only concern then try a simple mesh net? That would also supply you with some camouflage.
http://www.sears.com/shc/s/p_10153_12605_00682460000P?vName=Fitness%20&%20Sports is an example of a cheap one.
I couldn't find one at Wal-mart.com but you can buy one of those "credit card" gift cards at the store and then use the numbers for your online purchase.
The strings can be tied to the side of a tree, and the edges held down by rocks forming a lean-to effect. Or you could put up 4 some posts that are a few feet tall and drape it over so you don't get tangled in it. That won't help with ants though.
A pop-up tent would though. You might find a hiding place for it at your secret local.

Is there any way you can get out of town? Say go to visit a friend who lives an hour away? You might be best to arrange a weekend get away with your friend on those terms.

I'll really have to think on this over the night, there is a good solution available.

Please feel free to reply with more thoughts that might spark my imagination :)



And aside from making plans, you sound like you need to tell me your situation. Did you want to talk about your current marriage or why you are going through this?
If it is because you don't want me to think you a bad person, don't worry.

I personally believe to my core, that if we were by nature monogamous than we wouldn't by nature cheat. Half the population admits to cheating at one time or another, and it's not because humans are by nature bad. It's that our expectations go against our nature.

Furthermore, I feel that strong monogamous bonds can be formed between some people. SOME people. Probably all of us in the right situation. And when children are concerned, they don't listen to what we say, it's what we do.

My sister once asked me... "do I stay with my husband, or go with my love" my niece only a few years old at the time, I asked my sister "how can we tell our daughters to follow their hearts when we don't follow ours."
In this scenario she ended up realizing the reason she married who she did and found the "sensible" nature of her man to be more of a love-worthy trait than her "loves" wild side. So she did follow her heart :) But What I'm trying to say is, had she not really went through that battle, my niece might have grown her whole life to watch her mother stay in a stagnate love for her sake. Will my niece then grow to follow her heart? Probably not, she will do as we all did and marry, have children, then stay long after her love has passed for the sake of her children. Got to love a vicious cycle.

So What I'm saying, as hurtful as it can be to the other person, I would rather see a person cheat and stir things up, than stay stagnate and never really love life again.

Maybe you'll find the bravery to run off and find love with this man. Maybe you'll remember why you loved your husband once and realize how invaluable that long-formed bond is.
Maybe you'll both get busted, decide to roam free and meet entirely new people that blow everyone so far out of the water.

The only thing I would stress in all of this is to know how to react if you do get caught, and your friend too. It is utterly necessary to not make them feel like they are crazy. Some lies are ok but you will sense when it gets to a point that they know, and just don't believe. You will know if he is going crazy inside and doubting everything he does. You make him doubt himself and he may never trust himself - and therefore anyone else, ever again. Know when to fold your cards in the best interest of the person you once loved. Because he can be seen as that man by someone else.

But don't cut your life short, I do think this is a good idea as far as your story is concerned.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Elise, thanks for your prompt reply.

As nosy as the people are around here, they would notice any particular vehicle being parked ANYWHERE that it shouldn't, AND they would notice "so-and-so" riding in "so-and-so's" (whom they both know are married, BTW) truck, so as grerat of a suggestion as the parking then riding in the others' vehicle is, it would not apply to our situation.  Also, I did not understand what you meant by two-track?

The abandonded building/farmhouse idea has struck my mind, but none that I know of have convenient parking (by ANY means; 1/4 mile away, MAYBE) which is why the pasture idea is so perfect.  I think for the bugs the tent idea would be perfect; we could hang it in a tree with no-one the wiser, and the brilliant idea of spraying a blanket's underside with Off or Deet had struck me too; the bugs we're more interested in deterring are ticks and chiggers; NASTY lil turds.

Getting out of town for ME is a non-issue; I have horse shows to go to.  Not so much for him; the ball-and-chain has him grounded, as well as his business (horse trainer that doesn't show, basicly on-call 24/7)

Current marriage:  I will try to keep this short-ish.  I cheated with my current spouse while with a previous boyfriend (basicly the only other time I have cheated) out of basicly the sam-ish type of needs/desires as I am currently going through.  We will be married for 11 years this May, and for the last at least 6 years, it has been going downhill and stagnating FAST.  Just in the last 4, my current spouse has worked only 1 out of the 4 years, and has blown any and all retirement $ that was accumulated on a real estate market that went in the toilet.  He had to declare bankruptcy last year, and I may have to soon, as well.  18 months ago we moved half-way across the country to get out of the real estate bust area, and used my credit cards in order to do it.  in the 18 months we have lived here, husband has worked his tail off, 70 hours a week at 2 jobs, to "make up" for the f-ups before we moved.  The thing about the real estate is that I was against it from the beginning and he basicly told me "f" you, I'm doing it no matter what you think or say.  There is also an abortion (my choice, didn't give him one) muddying up the waters between us as well; it was our child, and it was before we got married.
so, in a sense I can see his real estate thing as "tit for tat" for that.
Because of the nagging distrust and resentment, it has been a LONG time since I even WANTED to be pretty, and Barry makes me want that again.  The cool thing is, that my new job can be the excuse for wearing makeup and perfume, and the coming summertime the excuse for shaving, etc.

I TOTALLY get the following your heart thing, as our daughter is 6.  The thing that is at war within me is how can I justify my wanting to be with Barry (fulfilling MY needs, and MY desires, along with his too of course, lol, that's half the fun) but turn around and dictate that love is a selfless thing and I should deny my selfish desires and be the wife and mother that I should (in society's eyes) be, regardless of those desires, and of the resentment etc. that has developed in my marriage?  Truly, I have though of so many ways to try and get out of this marriage, and it all comes down the $.  $ for rent, for food, blah, blah, blah - so for the moment I have resigned to sticking it out, out of convenience, because if it were just me, there would be no way I could make it, so ther is the whole co-dependence thing going on, on top of all the other sludge going under the burning bridge.  How's THAT for short-ish, lol.

I do agree that I need to have my ducks in a row as a contingency plan if/when we are found out, and I will make sure to stress this to Barry as well.  Once again, your answers and input have been enlighening.

Answer
You are definitely a thinker!
I hope the bug net thing works out. I really can't think of anything else if the townies are so impossibly nosy.
It seems like enough "life" has happened to tear the two of you right apart. I'm really not with any constructive thoughts on it.
Sometimes, it seems like we are pushed to do what is right, and you may just be on the right track if everything else is so wrong :)
I really hope it all works out