Expert: Elise - 4/15/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi, my name is Alex, and I'm 16 and my partner is 17. We've been "together" for about 7-8 months now. We're both in Highschool and very very much in love. Of course, every 16 year old in a relationship is in love, so cliche. But I have given this girl some serious thought, and any of my past girlfriends who I thought I could have loved haven't even come close to the bond me and this girl have. I've thought it through, and I'm positive that I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl.
We're not even supposed to be talking, and she lives about 100 miles away. We had a way to see each other about once a month, but she's not even allowed out of the house now, so I won't be able to see her until we graduate in a year.
She hurt me a couple months ago, she had a "friend" who used to be her boyfriend but there was some odd circumstance that she told me they agreed to. That he was my surrogate for when I couldn't actually see her until graduation. She told me that they "pretty much weren't together anymore." And so a series of white lies built up into a head until we almost were going to part completely because she couldn't choose which guy, and I found out after (She realized how perfect we are, and how he was just a toy) that while she didn't actually do anything sexual with him, she kissed him and did pretty much all the same things she did with me. And that hurt me alot more than if she would have just had sex.

She's very scared and self conscious (understandable, she's been hurt before) and has made me promise to staying faithful and even to things like not watching porn. I really want to stay faithful to her and never ever hurt her at all, so it's easy for me to tell her that. I really want to keep her safe.

But now I'm scared, I've had doubts before, but I'm getting more. And on top of that, there is a girl that has been Instant Messaging me (as I'm typing in fact) that is unfortunately hotter than my girlfriend even though I think my girlfriend is so beautiful. I can clearly see that this girl likes me and she's openly told me things like how she was stripping from her flag football uniform when she got home. I would only ever want to be physical with this girl, and am truly in love with my girlfriend.
I don't want to miss a youthful opportunity like this, but I have a feeling like I'd have to live with it forever if I end up with my girl.
I really do love my partner and want to stay with her forever and I never want to do anything wrong to her.
You have any advice for me? I'm torn.

ANSWER: I tend to decline younger questions like this because the comprehension simply isn't there. But you seem smarter than the average bear so I'll try and dish this out in a nice way.
When puberty hits it's not just the bodies that change. Your entire brain begins to double in function, especially in the chemical region. I don't know why they don't teach this in school but knowing this at your age made a ton of difference for me.
These chemicals aren't just the estrogen/testestrone stuff. It's your serotonin and every other little chemical that controls every little emotion.
You mention a teenager in love being "cliche" and yes it is lol. But because of those chemicals.
Consider those chem's like caffeine. When you don't drink soda EVER and then drink a redbull you go out of your mind. If you keep drinking energy drinks eventually it takes more and more to get to that same level of energy, you get used to it. Those chemicals are the same as taking a redbull at puberty. As you get older you begin to get used to them and the emotions aren't as strong. It takes up until your mid 20's to fully adjust to the level of tolerance at which you will be the rest of your life.
So the bonus part is, your pains, your angst, your hate or whatever else might make you feel miserable simply aren't as felt when your older. Love isn't the same as when you were young either.

The reason I tell you this? It's because you simply, absolutely, won't be the same person in 5 years. (think of who you were 5 years ago) Yes physical changes may have happened more drastically than anything... the next 5 years is brain growth instead of hair growth ;) Your mind will change as drastically as you have since you were 11.

That is why people say young love doesn't last. Not because either of you are young and dumb or any reason, other than... you will change 100% in the next few years.

On the other hand, enjoy your ability to love and be happy! You'll never feel it as strong again. Enjoy the ride and enjoy the moment - even if it doesn't last. Try to focus on that good instead of that bad and most importantly... STRAP IT UP. Chemicals may burn to nothing but a baby sure dont! :)
Lemmie know if you got more questions

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Oh, thankyou, I didn't know about the serotonin.. I know I'm not the same person I was years ago, but I didn't know it was chemical.
Well that aside, what do you think I should do with my current situation?
Thanks again!

Answer
What I'm trying to say in a nice way... is it doesn't really matter. One day you'll look back and giggle at yourself anyway. If it's meant to be with the girl your with now, you will cross paths with her again down the road. And it may very well happen down the road. But even if you try to stick it out right now... life will tear you two apart anyway. No need for regrets.
Go with it and don't keep regrets