Expert: Elise - 4/28/2010

Question
Hi Elise,
I don't know whether talking to a girl over the phone for about an hour couple of days a week called cheating? is it?
My boy friend and i were together for almost three years now.we live together. when we had a period of bad days and his exams were near, I found out that he is been talking to a girl texting almost the whole day and talking to her most of the nights. when i confronted him he said he is asking some information from her about immigration procedures. i did not buy that and we fought for whole 2 weeks and after that he promised he will never call her again. i tried to forgive him and took his word for it.

the same happened about 2 months ago when i was away and staying with my mother. this time he was talking to another girl from his recent job.  this time i did not say anything i was numb to see this. and then the following month the calls limited for only 30 secs. when i finally got the chance to confront him he told me its all over now. and it seems like true from his mobile bills.
i quite honestly don't know how to deal with him anymore or what to do. i'm dead inside now.
thanks
Kate

Answer
Hi there Kate
This must be the season for bad behavior because my questions are getting impossible to keep up with!
I am sorry for this late reply.
In a simple answer, he is emotionally cheating. Weather or not it is physical or his conversations sexual in nature, he did develop an emotional bond with another female that crosses the line. He is communicating with another female on a personal level that is greater than what he is giving to you.
I think that the way to best express what is happening is how we are raised. In that, in many families it is acceptable to take for granted those closest to us. Relatives weren't mutual partners in your development, people you are sharing your life with. But they are considered tools, and a hassle when they are not benefiting you.
Unfortunatley a lot of peopel grew up with this family model and it translates tragically into relationships as we get older.
As we were kids we learned quickly how to lie to get more of what we wanted, and only felt reprocussion as when we were caught. Otherwise it was as if it never happened.
It is the crucial difference between those of us who were raised to recognize our concience.
I bet he will say anything to make you feel crazy. Like an errational, emotional, hormonal female and it's all in your head. If that's a good sign that your dating a boy with chocolate on his face sayin he didn't eat the cake. Instead of dating a man who feels guilty and won't do it again.
I'm sorry to say.
There is really no way to know what extent he has or will go, because he is the keeper of his secerets with no concience to ever confess otherwise.
In the process you might find he is even vengeful after you've left even though it was his doing. Like a toddler mad because he was not quiet in the store and now doesn't get to buy a toy.
Unfortunately, it would take something drastic and heartbreaking on his end to change him.