Expert: Elise - 4/9/2010

Question
Hi, I’ve been with my partner now for 6 almost 7 years. I am 26 and he is 40. We’ve been through highs and lows and have built a great life for ourselves. I care about him greatly and he loves me very much. He was away for the past 3 years, which I did resent him for, although it wasn’t his decision. I’ve had time to grow as an individual with singular goals and aspirations during this time, but always keeping our couple in mind. It’s a couple of months he came back and I’m having a hard time reintegrating him in my day to day (that is when I’m not at work) In his absence, I met a married man, who I befriended , not wanting to cheat on my boyfriend with, but who intrigued, stimulated and attracted me. Our platonic friendship developed to be a physical one. Obviously, we began caring about each other, or at least as much as two pple with partners can. Today I’m left with an incredible want to see him and can’t because my boyfriend is very possessive and watch’s my every move. My boyfriend is an idealist as far as couple life is concerned ; doesn’t look at other woman , flirt or even get turned on by the idea of a ‘ménage à trois’ with another woman: he views that as being frivolous and wrong: he only has eyes for me and for me only. He treats me very well and has a huge sexual appetite but ultimately I’m more interested in having sex with the other guy. Not because he’s a better lover or has a better body (it’s quite the opposite!) It feels more passionate, more real. I still get butterflies when I see him and look forward to just chatting or even taking walks with him. I don’t want HIM to leave his spouse and I can’t say I want to leave mine either. We both agree on that. But we also agree that if it wasn’t for the commitments we made already, we could definitely be a great pair. My problem is I can’t have a ‘secret garden’ with my present boyfriend but feel the need for it greatly. Want them both, in different ways… what to do?

Answer
I'm sorry, this one is very hard, I try to see all the sides and offer different ideas but I can only come to one conclusion on this.

There are a million different ways to love (even if there is only one word for it) and when you take two random people and combine them the possibilities are endless in the most wonderful or most horrible ways. You dear, are never going to find someone who suits you as you want them to, if you don't leave the one who is holding you back. Why waste time. Why make them go crazy trying to figure out what they can do to fix it.

Your new friend isn't going to leave his wife, but there are millions of guys and one will suit your needs. If you ask me he shouldn't be married either. I'm not judging what the two of you are doing, it's human... or you wouldn't be doing it :)

But you are hurting innocent people and yourselves.

I know what you want... to have it your way... but you cant. There is no solution to this that can give you everything you ever wanted, because the people you are involved with simply aren't equipped in that way. You can't get blood from a stone, you can't breathe on the moon and you can't have the married guy and your boyfriend. You can break your fist trying to squeeze that rock, you can choke and die trying to breathe frozen oxygen-less space and you will hurt everyone in your path as you try to have everything.

But like I said, in a world of infinite possibilities you might run into that man who will give you an open relationship. You might decide you prefer living a-la-bachelorette and keep a few friends on hand. You could find a guy that loves how independent you are and give you all the space in the world. You might find a guy who fascinates you so much you don't want to spend a second away from him. You're not going to get that where you are.