Expert: Kate Rosling - 9/30/2010

Question
Hi,

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years - I'm 31 and she's 23. I became fairly seriously ill about a year into our relationship which caused a great deal of stress in our relationship as I became very depressed and negative with my doctor's inability to pinpoint exactly the nature of my illness (it turned out I had a heart infection which seriously altered my heart's rhythm - I was constantly in fear of death).

Anyway, during this time, my girlfriend and I fought almost constantly, breaking up again and again, but always getting back together. I slowly started to recover about 6 months ago, but ever since then I've been pushing her away through passive aggressive means, and being withdrawn and hostile - simply because I was so tired of fighting with her all the time.

Obviously, she became extremely depressed and lonely due to my actions, and even though she stuck by my for so long, she eventually became tired of it and started seeing a guy behind my back. The relationship lasted for two months, was sexual, and I had no idea about it until she finally told me everything yesterday.

I honestly thought that prior to this I was ready to break up with her anyway - but the information released a cascade of emotion within me which has really woken me up to what a total fool I have been with her. Naturally, I'm still deeply wounded and upset by her actions, but I totally recognize that the situation was created by myself. I basically forced her into his arms, and although she shouldn't have pursued anything with him without first ending the relationship with me, I can totally understand why she did what she did.

We've been talking almost non-stop since I found out, and have both been surprised by the fact that our feelings for each other have returned quite strongly, we seem more relaxed with each other than we have been for months, and we're currently trying to see if we can be together for a few days without insane fighting, and if we can, try to make a tentative plan for rebuilding our relationship.

My question is this - am I being foolish in doing this? I truly do care for her, and I deeply regret my actions which caused this. I'm also hurt and angry by what she did - such a whirlwind of emotions! Any advice which you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Answer
Hi James.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing.  You seem to love her, and she loves you as well, and while it sucks it took that to make you realize it, it may be good in the long run to realize what you have.  I think what you are doing is good, and bettering your communication skills with her is key to keeping a strong relationship.