Expert: Sam E - 10/19/2006

Question
HI, MY HUSBAND JUST GOT BACK FROM A DEPLOYMENT AND HE HAS ADMITTED THAT HE HAS CHEATED ON ME SEVERAL TIMES IN THE PAST.  WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 8 YRS. NOW AND WE HAVE 3 CHILDREN. THIS INCIDENT OCCURED IN THE BEGINNING STAGES OF OUR MARRIAGE.  I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S EVEN WORTH TRYING TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE OR SHOULD I JUST GET UP AND LEAVE HIM.  I STILL FEEL ANGER AND PAIN INSIDE AND EVERYTIME I SEE HIM I JUST DISPISE HIM SO MUCH.  I REALLY DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GO ON BEING WITH THIS MAN THAT I ONCE LOVED SO MUCH.

Answer
You have every right to be upset.! It hurts regardless of when it happened.
Marriages can be saved after adultery. But it takes work and dedication on both sides.
Because you just found out and are still very upset I suggest you have a few weeks apart. This gives you time to think things over clearly. It is hard to think about making it work if every time you see him you hate him more. Right now you need time and since there are kids, you need peace in the home. Tell him he can see the kids, but you can’t bare to see him now and that you need time to think. Tell him no phone calls, letters, flowers or visits in which he pleads with you. Let him know that he needs to stay away. That is very important. During this time you need to seek some counseling. You need to work through the pain. After a 3 week period (or whatever period you feel you need) you should have some idea of what you want. If it is to make another go, seek couple counseling. It is also suggested that he still be away from the home during this time. Now your counselor may have other ways of dealing with this but this is what many therapists will suggest. He needs to show you that he is a changed man, and honest man worthy of your love. he can't jump right back into the roll of great husband, he has to prove it and only time can tell.
Now, if after a time apart you decide it is not worth it to stay with him , still seek counseling and start a legal separation or if you are 100% sure your done, start the divorce.
No matter what you decide make certain your kids know that they are not the blame and that you BOTH love them and will still be there for them.  No bad mouthing in front of the kids,  (I am not saying you do this, but just in case). This will be a tough time for you and your kids and if you have a religion, find as much solace in that as you can. You have to be strong for those babies!! They will be having a hard time too. Don’t let them see you cry or fall apart. If you feel that happening call someone ASAP! Pain does heal with time and when you think you can’t take it anymore remember that this to shall pass.
Hope this helps! Good luck, and write me anytime
Sam