Expert: Courtney - 12/29/2000

Question
Hello:

I need some help, advice, insight or maybe just a different point of view.  How do I start.  Well I am in the military and I have been married for 9 years Oct.  I have 2 children, boy 8 girl 5.  My wife was also in the military until 97 when she got out medically.  She is okay.  She had become afflicted with carpel tunnel syndrome.  We met in 91 while young in careers and life.  We were both 19 and maddly attracted to each other.  She is very beautiful.  We decided to get married so we could be together.  She had military orders overseas and marraige was key in keeping her in the states with me.  Anyway, my job had me traveling alot earlier in our marriage, but only being gone for 45-60 days at a time with anywhere from 1-3 months between each deployment.  At about our 5 year point of marriage, we had a very big fight and almost seperated, but we came to our senses and it was behind us.  I feel backround is important for you to have.  My wife has always been very close friends with a guy she worked with.  He didn't work directly with her, but she did do some small secretarial type jobs for him from time to time.  They were never uncomfortable about their friendship.  That was probably the key reasons I had never thought anything about it.  They ran thier unit's Booster club together.  He was the president and she the treasurer.  This booster club did all sorts of functions for their unit.  They did retirements, picnics and the like.  I attended some and others I was out of town and didn't attend.  Their unit was small and I knew about as many people as they did.  They all knew who I was and who my wife was.  Never any suspecion.  Until one day one of my wifes friends took me to lunch one day.  She told me she thinks something might be going on between them cause of all the time they spend together.  I told her nothing was going on, I'm sure.  That was 4 years ago.  I kept hearing people tell me they think something is going on, because they still spend time together, I think nothing of it, but my family thinks their is.  My family lives in the same town in which I was stationed.  Kinda uncommon for the military.  I am now on a 1 year remote tour to Saudi Arabia and my family thinks my wife and him are spending too much time together.  I don't know.  My mother told me of an incident in which they all my family and wife and him went out dancing and while they were dancing it was noticed that he had his hands on her ass.  I don't know.  I have spoke to my wife about that and my feelings before.  I told her I want her to be honest and tell me if something is going on.  Of course, she isn't.  I have no proof she is doing anything, but she says that without him, while I'm gone she couldn't count on anybody else to do things for her.  He takes my son to basketball practice.  He watches the kids when she needs to go somewhere without him.  He is recently divorced.  He divorced before I left.  It is said the wife left him.  For as well as I knew him, I never once met his wife.....I have suspicions, but no proof of anything.  What do I do? Or do I do anything?

Thank you for your time and help

Dennis

Answer
Dear Dennis,
That is a touchy situation, but if I were in your position, I think that I would have a small word with the man your wife seems to be spending so much time with. Just tell him that you love her very very much (in, of course, a private place so that there is no embarrassment, or a minimal amount) and that you want to make sure that there isn't anything that could get in between your wife and yourself. Of course, change those words around to whatever you see fit. But I think that in doing this, if something was going on, it would make this man stop what he may be doing, and if nothing is going on, this man may be able to reassure you. If you do decide to do nothing, just keep in mind that spending a lot of time with someone close to you may be just that, spending time with someone close to you. Yes, there is the possibility that something could be going on, and if there is you definitely have the right to know about it. If you feel like your wife is slipping away from you, say so. Tell her that you love her and that you don't want to lose her, and that if there is something going on that you don't know about, you want to know so that you can fix whatever is hurting your marriage. I know that I really have not been able to tell you much as far as how to deal with this subject, but I hope that things do work out and your wife is being faithful to you. Congratulations on how long you have been together, and I hope you get to spend many more happy years together.
Please feel free to tell me how things turn out, and I hope things go for the better.
Courtney