Expert: Sara - 4/4/2005

Question
Hi, Sara...

I'm at my whit's end here and have broken down and am asking for some outside advice.

My question is: How do I appologize for cheating on the girl I truly love? How do I communicate how sorry I am, and how much she means to me? How do I ask for forgiveness that will communicate the sincerity that I feel?

But I guess that for you to get a handle on my question, you're going to need the low down on the situation. It's a long story, so I would understand if you skipped this for a shorter question.

The girl's name is Shannon.
And I met her back in 2003.

One day I was trawling though the depths of CampusKiss.com when I came across her profile just as I was becoming disenfranchised with the service. WHAM! I was completely blown away by her profile and her sweet looks. I messaged her immediately, and we clicked with amazing speed - chatting on MSN and on the phone.

It was August, and she lived in a different city than me. I impulsively grabbed a bus to her city and ended up on her front porch. She opened the door and was completely taken aback, and promptly invited me in once she had recovered.

I spent a week at her house, and went home only after I secured a ride home. It was a very happy week for me.

The following month, she moved in with me while attending the local college. At the outset, we couldn't be happier aside from the minor issues of adjusting to somebody else sharing your home.

Everything was going fine, when she decided to visit her friends in her previous city for a Halloween party. When she came home, she promptly informed me that she a gotten drunk and slept with her ex-boyfriend. She was truly sorry, and I at the time decided I was going to take the high-road and be a progressive and understanding guy. I forgave her on the spot, as long as she vowed not to repeat it. This was of course in October 2003.

But as time progressed, the fact that she cheated on me ate at my insides and I became more and more distant. At the same time, a female friend of mine moved in across the hall from me. I began hanging out a lot with her in my down time as by then, Shannon had found her own place to live in January. I admit that I was emotionally cheating on Shannon because my friend made me very happy by taking my mind off of the things that were eating at me.

Finally, after observing my friend and myself for a while, Shannon broke up with me in February 2004 - noting that I was short changing her emotionally. At the time, I was perfectly happy to see her go. I didn't miss a  beat and carried on with my friend.

As spring came along, I decided that I really missed Shannon, and I branched out to her via having quaint chats over coffee.

Fast forward to July, and in a scene apropriate for the silver screen, I admitted to her that I wanted her back in my life as my steady girlfriend after having been sleeping with her on the side (an even longer story that I shall spare you of). This was in the middle of a sidewalk durring the worst flooding my region had ever seen. We were cold and shivering and talking about how we missed eachother but were unsure of the future. I took her aside into a doorway and grabbed her by the shoulders and told her that I loved her.

Our second relationship started soon after, and we hung out a lot. She already had a new place of her own, so we didn't move in together.

For a while, everything was great. The chat was great. The sex was great. The hanging out was great.

Roll ahead into October, and things weren't so great. We were sexually at odds, and weren't communicating as well as we should have been because of her work schedule. After a few weeks of this, I started flirting with some women online, which inevitably lead to me cheating on Shannon numerous times, with 3 different women.

But then my relationship with Shannon picked up again as her work schedule became more relaxeed and she was able to talk and hang with me again. I quickly disolved the affairs that I was having and concentrated on Shannon again. The thing was, I didn't admit to it as she had the year before. She found out about it from rumors and talk around town. She called me on it, and I steadfastly denied it for a solid month. We fought and argued, but stayed together through the Christmas season. Shortly after New Years, I finally admitted to the affairs and we fought and yelled and cried a lot more - but struggled to keep it together and maybe forge ahead as long as we communicated openly.

But after weeks of arguing, and her hurtfull barbs (that I rightly deserved), we were just comlpletely stressed. I didn't see the stress ending and the relationship normalizing at anytime in the future, so I did the only thing that seemed to be logical: I broke up with her the best way I could. I sat her down and explained how I felt, and how things were, and that I didn't think there was a future for us in a relationship - but that I still cared about her and wanted her as a friend. She was very sad, but agreed reluctantly to be just friends.

But as time progressed, it became clear that she wasn't able to talk to me, and we just didn't see eachother after that night that I broke up with her.

Now it's April. It's spring. Spring is a time of renewal, where things that have been cold warm up and new things grow.

Shannon and I have spoken once on the phone, and agreed to talk over coffee. But after a hanfull of invitations left under her door (she has no home phone), she's yet to respond.

Today, I left another note under door. But as I was leaving it, I heard her inside cavorting with a guy she had mentioned on the phone that she was "friends with benefits" with.

My heart is aching, and I really have to come to the realization that I need Shannon in my life to be whole.

How do I get her to repsond to my invitations? And if she does, how do I convey how I feel without sounding contrived?

Sara, I'm so screwed up. I'm still in love with Shannon, and she said in that phone convo that deep inside, she was still in love with me.

How can I monopolize on this and maybe win her affections again? Or do you think that it's a lost cause?

Please help me out, Sara. I'm stuck and have no one outside of mine and Shannon's circles to talk to.

Perhaps you can shed some light?

Thank-you in advance.

Answer
Wow! Aaron, this was by far the most well written and heart tugging piece I've ever read! I really do want to feel badly for you, but my head is telling me that I have to be the one to tell you the hard truth. I feel that you and Shannon really are better apart.
I'm sorry to say this but I feel as though you're running back to her because it feels safe and comfortable. If the two of you really did love each other and were truly committed to each other than neither of you would have cheated on the other, emotionally or otherwise. It's true that she may still be in love with you and you may be in love with her but I don't think that in this case it's cause to get back together for a third time. The hurt and damage has been done.
And the fact that you feel that just because she can't devote her entire time to you (because of work) you have the right to go out and find other women to fill the hole, just proves to me further that if you love her, the best thing for you to do is let her move on with her life and just be happy for her. And you should do the same.
I think that what happend was the two of you rushed so quickly into this relationship that neither of you got to know everything about the other person and most of the time it's the fast relationships that go down the quickest.Without the proper time and care to get to know someone there's no way that a relationship can last. You guys just moved too quicly and fell too fast and unfortunatly I think that was your downfall. That neither of you was really ready to commit that fully.
Aaron, you seem like a truly terrific man with a very romantic heart but I think you just need to live your life on your own for awhile and try to find the reason that you cheat on women. You will never truly be happy with any one woman until you are truly happy with yourself. Good luck to you Aaron and please let me know how things go for you.
Sara.