Expert: RITA - 4/4/2005

Question
Hi, Rita...

I'm at my whit's end here and have broken down and am asking for some outside advice.

My question is: How do I appologize for cheating on the girl I truly love? How do I communicate how sorry I am, and how much she means to me? How do I ask for forgiveness that will communicate the sincerity that I feel?

But I guess that for you to get a handle on my question, you're going to need the low down on the situation. It's a long story, so I would understand if you skipped this for a shorter question.

The girl's name is Shannon.
And I met her back in 2003.

One day I was trawling though the depths of CampusKiss.com when I came across her profile just as I was becoming disenfranchised with the service. WHAM! I was completely blown away by her profile and her sweet looks. I messaged her immediately, and we clicked with amazing speed - chatting on MSN and on the phone.

It was August, and she lived in a different city than me. I impulsively grabbed a bus to her city and ended up on her front porch. She opened the door and was completely taken aback, and promptly invited me in once she had recovered.

I spent a week at her house, and went home only after I secured a ride home. It was a very happy week for me.

The following month, she moved in with me while attending the local college. At the outset, we couldn't be happier aside from the minor issues of adjusting to somebody else sharing your home.

Everything was going fine, when she decided to visit her friends in her previous city for a Halloween party. When she came home, she promptly informed me that she a gotten drunk and slept with her ex-boyfriend. She was truly sorry, and I at the time decided I was going to take the high-road and be a progressive and understanding guy. I forgave her on the spot, as long as she vowed not to repeat it. This was of course in October 2003.

But as time progressed, the fact that she cheated on me ate at my insides and I became more and more distant. At the same time, a female friend of mine moved in across the hall from me. I began hanging out a lot with her in my down time as by then, Shannon had found her own place to live in January. I admit that I was emotionally cheating on Shannon because my friend made me very happy by taking my mind off of the things that were eating at me.

Finally, after observing my friend and myself for a while, Shannon broke up with me in February 2004 - noting that I was short changing her emotionally. At the time, I was perfectly happy to see her go. I didn't miss a  beat and carried on with my friend.

As spring came along, I decided that I really missed Shannon, and I branched out to her via having quaint chats over coffee.

Fast forward to July, and in a scene apropriate for the silver screen, I admitted to her that I wanted her back in my life as my steady girlfriend after having been sleeping with her on the side (an even longer story that I shall spare you of). This was in the middle of a sidewalk durring the worst flooding my region had ever seen. We were cold and shivering and talking about how we missed eachother but were unsure of the future. I took her aside into a doorway and grabbed her by the shoulders and told her that I loved her.

Our second relationship started soon after, and we hung out a lot. She already had a new place of her own, so we didn't move in together.

For a while, everything was great. The chat was great. The sex was great. The hanging out was great.

Roll ahead into October, and things weren't so great. We were sexually at odds, and weren't communicating as well as we should have been because of her work schedule. After a few weeks of this, I started flirting with some women online, which inevitably lead to me cheating on Shannon numerous times, with 3 different women.

But then my relationship with Shannon picked up again as her work schedule became more relaxeed and she was able to talk and hang with me again. I quickly disolved the affairs that I was having and concentrated on Shannon again. The thing was, I didn't admit to it as she had the year before. She found out about it from rumors and talk around town. She called me on it, and I steadfastly denied it for a solid month. We fought and argued, but stayed together through the Christmas season. Shortly after New Years, I finally admitted to the affairs and we fought and yelled and cried a lot more - but struggled to keep it together and maybe forge ahead as long as we communicated openly.

But after weeks of arguing, and her hurtfull barbs (that I rightly deserved), we were just comlpletely stressed. I didn't see the stress ending and the relationship normalizing at anytime in the future, so I did the only thing that seemed to be logical: I broke up with her the best way I could. I sat her down and explained how I felt, and how things were, and that I didn't think there was a future for us in a relationship - but that I still cared about her and wanted her as a friend. She was very sad, but agreed reluctantly to be just friends.

But as time progressed, it became clear that she wasn't able to talk to me, and we just didn't see eachother after that night that I broke up with her.

Now it's April. It's spring. Spring is a time of renewal, where things that have been cold warm up and new things grow.

Shannon and I have spoken once on the phone, and agreed to talk over coffee. But after a hanfull of invitations left under her door (she has no home phone), she's yet to respond.

Today, I left another note under door. But as I was leaving it, I heard her inside cavorting with a guy she had mentioned on the phone that she was "friends with benefits" with.

My heart is aching, and I really have to come to the realization that I need Shannon in my life to be whole.

How do I get her to repsond to my invitations? And if she does, how do I convey how I feel without sounding contrived?

Rita, I'm so screwed up. I'm still in love with Shannon, and she said in that phone convo that deep inside, she was still in love with me.

How can I monopolize on this and maybe win her affections again? Or do you think that it's a lost cause?

Please help me out, Rita. I'm stuck and have no one outside of mine and Shannon's circles to talk to.

Perhaps you can shed some light?

Thank-you in advance.

Answer
Choices, my dear...sometimes we make choices that we have to live with for the rest of our lives. You say you loved this girl, so much, yet you couldn't forgive her for cheating and admitting it. Love and forgiveness go hand in hand, and if you can't forgive someone you are not loving them unconditonally, there is a price to pay for your love. So in return you paid her back, by denying her yourself, 100 percent, and then went on to cheat with 3 other women without her knowledge...that was cruel. Sorry, I have no sympathy for liars, or sneakiness...you should have atleast been 100 percent honest with her, even though it would have hurt her(which it did even moreso because she had to pull it out of you) at least she would have been able to know what she was dealing with.
So you made choices, and she made the choice not to deal with you anymore. Im not saying what she did was right, but she didn't carry it on and make you look like a fool, you got to hear it from her instead of anybody else, and she asked that you forgive her..she humbled herself enough to put it out there for you. What you did to her is called "payback"...and you let your ego get the best of you instead of having an open heart with compassion for this woman you love. The word "love" is thrown around so much and yet the true meaning of it is never fully understood by those who use it for their own means...you say you "love" this woman...far from it, you loved her when she was "perfect" in your narrow vision of love...when she wasn't perfect, you showed her, didn't ya!! You need to sit down and really think about what love truly is...it's not with conditons, or envy, or pride or animosity or grudge.  Loving someone unconditionally means you love them no matter what they have done, good and bad, and forgive them when they ask for it and never hold it against them. Love is total forgiveness. Love is not selfish or unkind in any way. Live with your choices and let her go for now, and learn from the mistakes you both have made and never repeat them with another, that is the lesson here. I can only tell you the truth as from where I stand, and if it's not what you asked to hear, I apologize. I do feel sorry that you had to learn the hard way, dear...and that's why you have to be more selective in the choices you make in life. Take care