Expert: Don - 12/4/2007

Question
Hi, Don,
I am in a rut and I need an objective, honest opinion. I have been with my b/f for almost two years. For the first six months we dated and things went pretty well but then he moved 1200 miles away from me for a job. During the year he started to become friends with this co-worker. I asked him if anything was going on and he said there wasn't. I asked him if they spent time outside of work and he said that they just talked. As time went on I started to uncover lies. He was going out to the bar with her on Saturday nights (he says that his guy friend was with him, too). Then, afer fighting for a week, he told me that he was going to take her on a 100-mile (one way) Harley trip. I was upset and wanted to break up with him. I previously had gotten into his phone and wrote down her phone number because I suspected something. So, I called her when they got home from the bike trip and asked her if anything was going on. She was very nice to me and said, "No, sweetie, we are just friend but I know how you feel because my husband cheated on me and I wanted to call her."
Then, more time went by and I was still bothered about the Harley trip. So, I text messaged her (about a month later) and asked her if he was hitting on her. I told her (nicely) that I wanted to step out of the relationship if there was something going on. I thought that girl-to-girl she would understand my pain and either answer yes or no. She got really mean and told me to talk to my boyfriend about the issues and to leave her out of it.
My boyfriend swore that nothing was going on and they were just friends. He said he talked to her a lot about me (to get a female perspective on our relationship). I didn't believe him and demanded to meet her. He said that he would talk to her about meeting me. At first he told me that she had agreed to meet me. Then, the night before I was to come visit him, he told me that she would not meet me. I thought about ending it right there but decided to go there anyway and see what would happen. While I was there he text messaged her saying, "Come on, meet her." She replied with texts like, "Chill out dude. I am with (guy's name)." She told him that she would meet me, again, and then backed out.
I then found out that he had planned a school trip (they are teachers) to a foreign country. He did bring this up to me a month prior but he did not tell me that she was going; she invited him to go as a sponsor. I even asked him if she was going and he said "no." I told him that if he went then it would be over.
We were working to be together in the summer time. He canceled trip. I still believed he slept with her because she would not meet me (I did nag him often about this because it really looks fishy). Then, one day, he started crying after we were fighting (on the phone). I thought I was taking advantage of the situation because he was crying and I told him that if they did sleep together that I could get past it but I just needed to know.
He then admited to sleeping with her once. He said that it was a mistake and he felt guilty and did not even come. I was upset and ended it with him. Then, he tells me that he just said that to appease me. He said that I was nagging him too much and he just wanted to be done with it. Sounds really fishy, doesn't it? For about two months he went back and forth saying that he slept with her and then saying that he didn't. He finally said that he couldn't do this to her because she was innocent and he couldn't maintain this lie. Why would someone lie if they didn't sleep with the person? He said he thought it would make it better and we could put it behind us.

I then cheated on him. I know that it was the wrong thing to do but I was so hurt. I wanted to break up with him but I couldn't and in my twisted thoughts I thought that maybe, if I cheated on him, I could forgive him. I know that sounds really crazy. I regret doing it (mainly because I lowered myself to his level).

Here's the kicker: I told him what I did. Then he tells me that he did cheat on me when he first moved away but it wasn't with this woman I had suspected. He said it was over a year ago and he used the same story that it happened once and he did not come because of guilt.
I am a very persistent woman. Many times I have interrogated him about this. Five months later he is still saying that he didn't sleep with the co-worker; he really slept with this "one night stand lady." I even text messaged the co-worker from his phone and said, "I told my girlfriend everything about us." Her reply was "What do you mean?" And I wrote, "You know." She still acted like she didn't know. Then I wrote, "I told her we had sex." She replied with, "We didn't have sex."
Recently he told me that, in the beginning, she came on to him and he turned her down. He said she never did it again and they were friends only.
I know that no matter what cheating is wrong. I am one of those people who just need to know the truth. What do you think of the situation? He also cheated on his ex-wife and told her outright (to end the marriage). He says that it won't happen again.
I love him but I know that I should probably leave him. It is very hard to leave someone you love. I need some advice, what do you think about the situation? Please give me some advice about what you think he did (given the details I have listed) and what the future may hold for us (will he do it again?)
Thanks for your time. I am hurting and need a non-biased opinion.


Answer
He definitely cheated on you with somebody, whether it was his co-worker or not I'm not certain but no man is going tell a woman he cheated on her if he really didn't. And he's definitely not going go back and forth over and over telling you he did and then he didn't if he doesn't have anything to hide. So it doesn't really matter whom he cheated on you with it doesn't change the fact that he did have sex with another woman and that's a violation of your trust and your relationship.

As far as the question of will he do it again, I'm going say more than likely he would do it again. He already has a history of cheating, seeing as how he cheated on his ex-wife and now he also has cheated on you, this makes him a cheater, if you do something once then it can be forgiven but when you start to do things 2 and 3 times, it's a pattern and not a simple mistake. So I do believe that from what you said he will cheat again.

You need to take a long look at your relationship and see if you want to keep it together, the fact that you live 1200 miles from each other will probably hinder your relationship even further, I would take a break with him at least until the two of you at least live closer to each other. You'll never be able trust that he isn't up to anything with him living so far away.

I hope this helped and good luck.