Expert: Don - 5/7/2007

Question
QUESTION: Any suggestions on how I can trust my own judgement again? I’m ready to move on but I find it so difficult to let my guard down after such a betrayal.  I was with my ex for three years.  We had planned marriage, kids, met each other’s family and friends.  About two and half years into our relationship, I said I did not feel comfortable about a ‘friendship’ he had developed but he said I was paranoid and that as I had met her I had nothing to worry about.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt until I told him I had the number of the woman I suspected he was cheating on me with.  He still denied it crying, begging and pleading with me to believe him and saying they were just friends and that I should phone her if I didn’t believe him.  

For my own piece of mind I called her.  I found out that he had been seeing her for most if not all of our relationship and she knew all about me.  She said it was just sex at first, now they were serious but she thought that we had separated a year previously.  He had actually been her flat mate when we first met but he had moved out.  We had matching jewellery, and when I miscarried while I thought he was away on business, he was actually on holiday with her!  

Because we practically lived together we shared an email account so I then witnessed to him begging and pleading with her to take him back via email.  He then blanked me and made out to her that I was lying and that he wasn’t seeing me but I was still bothering him, compared me to her and that he felt sorry for me etc.  Then he sent an email to me copying her in saying to leave him alone and that his life was with her before he remembered to change the password.

I was destroyed.  Six months later he tried to contact me via text saying he was so sorry and that he missed me. I texted back saying that I saw everything he had said about me and that I didn’t know him. He has proceeded to text saying how sorry he is, how he still loves me, how he feels dead inside for what he did, how sorry he is about how he handled things etc.  This has been going on sporadically for more than a year with missed calls and texts on my phone.  At first I texted cursing him saying that the fact he has never picked up the phone (except for missed calls) and instead conducted his apologies by text shows how shallow he is.  

I know via mutual friends that want to let me know how lucky I am that the woman took him back and they are still together.  After a while I just ignored the texts but they keep coming.  I suppose what I’m asking is why is he still contacting me after so long and do you think hearing him out would help me to move on?
ANSWER: First off I can't understand how you haven't already moved on, after the way he treated you and the things he's done to you, you should be way past moving on.

But since you aren't, maybe you should hear him out, listen to what he has to say and when he's finish give him the simple answer of, thank you I appreciate what you've had to say. And then ask him to stop contacting you. What he is doing is harassment and you shouldn't have to put up with it. You'll never be able to truly move on with your life if you continue to let this man bother you with texts and phone calls. Nothing he has to say should be able to explain why he did what he did, and nothing he could say should be able to make you take him back.

So if you think it will make you feel better, listen to whatever lies he wants to tell you and then tell him to leave you alone. Then maybe you can finally move on.

I hoped this helped and good luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks. There is nothing he can say and I definately don't want him back. But after trusting this guy for three years and being so wrong, part of me just doesn't trust my own judgement anymore nor can I get that voice out of my head that you never really know somebody. On the couple of dates I've had since, I am almost looking for signs of dishonesty as soon as I meet them. Are all cheaters as good at lying as this guy was?  

Answer
I know it's hard but don't fall into that mode of blaming all men or assuming all men are like that loser.

You need to judge each man as their own person and not think that all men are the same because this one guy hurt you.

If you do that you might miss out on a quality guy. So like I know you it's hard and you might be doubting yourself but try to keep and open mind when it comes to meeting new men.

Because believe me we aren't all cheats, some of us are pretty good guys.

I hoped this helped and good luck