Expert: RITA - 11/13/2004

Question
I have been dating a girl for 3 years now.She has been studying abroad all 3 years so we always had distance.however we never did actually spend more than 40 days apart because i always tried to come to her and stay awhile.she came too naturally when she could.recently i caught her by phone call with another guy.She then confessed to me that they had a flirt and she started a relationship with him.I was her first to actually sleep with her.She claims that she only kissed him for about a week.She flirted however for more than 2 weeks,and welcomed him into her life without difficulty. When i caught her i broke up with her but now we are back together because i love her so much.i dedicated most of my being to this girl.After being caught she claims to have regretted deeply and cried for my forgiveness.It hurts though because of that facts that she did it so easily while i was away and that he was the one who actually broke up with her. Throughout the 3 years i always feared this one guy by the way.And she also had a relationship with him the first year she was studying before she started dating me and never told me because she said it would hurt me.we always talked about our future and planned on one day being married.im hurt and i am unsure about the facts she told me. im in constant fear about not knowing everything or if i can trust her again.any advice u could give will be great .she is 20, i am 25.thank you.

Answer
Dear George
I know that when someone you love betrays you it hurts deeply and trust is a very hard thing to get back once it's been broken. However, you have to look at the three years together rather than this one incedent, and look her behavior up until this point. Not defending her actions, but she was tied down, so to speak at a very young age with you (17) and that's not really an age anyone should be getting so involved...and maybe she felt like she was missing out on something...so she flirted and got caught.
I would give this time..and let the healing process take place before making any major decisions especially about marriage, until there is a solid committment..one without any doubts. Until you can say " I trust her completely" and feel it 100% inside of your mind and heart, I would just take it a day at a time..and not rush anything.
Take care, and I hope I've helped.