Expert: Sam E - 4/4/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi I am in a relationship that I have been in for two years, it is great! We just bought a house together, we don't fight, he treats my kids well and he treats me good. Then the bombshell, he came home admitted he has been cheating on me. I know that we have an awesome relationship, he tells his family how very happy he is, and that I am the best person in his life. When he came home and told me, and said that he wanted to continue our relationship and that he cared for me, when I asked him why he did it, he said he got scared, scared of the future, of forever, of what ifs, that I had done nothing wrong. He did call the woman and tell her it was over while I was in the room by his own choice, and said that he would not see her or call her or accept her calls. I decided to forgive him, and try to move through it. I am a very caring person and realize that this doesn't just affect me, but my kids and his kid that would be uprooted in the process( I still understand that I have to make sure that I can deal with it as well). I can forgive him I know it will take some time and it will only be this once, and I told him that first time shame on you, second time shame on me that it wasn’t weakness for staying but a and he finished with a great strength, I know that all relationships have issues of some sort I have been through enough to know and I feel that if I just say I’m gone that I took the easy road and didn’t try one more time. But I'm so hurt, if I was so perfect and this happened, I don't know what I should do, I mean you can’t fix something that isn't broke and I can’t help but look for the broken item. It is driving me crazy, I feel like I have a hammer in my hand looking for that nail that has come loose.  We have sat down and discussed rebuilding the trust and he has said that he was very foolish and stupid to hurt me like he did. He said that he didn't think it was hurting me because I didn't know and that he was treating me good at home, but then he realized that it was wrong to treat me the way he was, that I had done nothing to deserve the treatment, and that I was the best thing in his life and he was messing up something that was so good, hurting someone that has never treated him better or made him more happy his entire life. The one thing he will not tell me when I asked was the women name (she and he both have high profile jobs). I trying to get past wondering who she is and if it is even a benefit for me to know. He promises if we are at a function or we are out and she shows up that he will make 100% sure that I am not embarrassed by what happened, and when I ask how he is going to control her, his answer is that because she was duped and she wont want people knowing because of the position she is in and how it would make her look as a person (in my opinion a slimy, dirty, (*$#$ because she knew about me and then tried to get him to leave me for her). I can find out without him telling me if I had to but I don't know if that would benefit me. All your advice would be much appreciated. Thank you
ANSWER: What you need to keep in mind is, you may have thought the relationship was awesome, but if he was cheating, it really is not that great! You had been lied too and under the belief that he loved and cared for you. The obvious problem is his lack of love and respect for you. You can’t love someone and be cheating. Period! His love is not deep and it certainly is not permanent. That is what hurts the most.  You are right, that this relationship has been and still is broken. Can it be repaired? Yes, but it will take a lot of work and a lot of time. Getting over this will be very hard. Now getting over this may mean moving on from him or working it out. The choice is yours to make! My first suggestion is for you two to separate. It doesn’t mean that it is forver, just for a while. That is the first step in your recovery. Let me explain why.
You both need to really think about the future of this realtionship and you can’t do it if you are still in the same home. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal and it tears you apart! You can’t try and heal when he is around. Every time you think you are moving past it, he will say or do something that will trigger your hurt and anger. You will keep reopening the wound .He needs to be out of the home because you need to start off slow and if he was around you may need up jumping into it too soon and the pain will arise again. Plus, he may try to push you for forgiveness when you are not ready.  Counseling helps you to heal. You both should seek it ASAP! If you can't afford a counselor, try your church (or any church) to see if there is help there. There also may be programs or groups in your area or even free counseling for couples you can't afford it. Look around. Keep in mind that you don't have to stay with him. The counseling is just a way to help you through this. If after a time apart you decide it is not worth it, and you don't want him back, that's okay.
You also need to work on your self-esteem. Cheaters cause great pain and tear down even the most confident of people! Remember, he is the one with the issues, not you! You need to work on bettering yourself and your life. Focus on yourself and making your life better! Go back to school, work out, whatever it takes to get your self esteem back. All the things you have ever wanted to do but put on the back burner, you can now do. Change career, go back to school, buy a farm. Whatever it is that will make you happy.
As far as him telling you who she is, I think he owes you that right and he really needs to be 100% honest with and tell you everything! By hiding who she is, he may be hiding more than what he is telling you. His honesty is very important to this healing.
Hope this helps and write me anytime!
sam

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Sam for the answer you gave. I believe that giving me the women's name is the right thing as well and have argued my case, telling him that its showing trust on his part and laying all the cards on the table and that by protecting her he is in turn not caring about my feelings and allowing me to get past it, and if he is seeing her anymore and she continues to be in his life. She could see me or him anywhere and I would never know and that doesn't sit well with me. I have asked and he has refused. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, he tells me that knowing wont benefit anyone and that he feels like a snitch if he tells.  

Answer
Tell him to leave or you leave. Make it very clear that until he lays all the cards on the table, its over. Let him know that you are not going to confront her or fight her. You have forgiven him and so she no longer matters. make certain you make that very clear to him. You just want a name. If he still won't, walk! When he sees that you are serious he will tell you. If he doesn't, chances are its not over with her and you are better off leaving him anyway.
~Sam