Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 10/9/2007

Question
I have been in a relationship/living together for 7 years, with my gf. Last year she moved out. We never broke up, she said she needed to get her life together and build some responsibility and finish college. We have been friends and dated the whole time. We were physical only a few occasions. In the last two months she started showing a lot more interest and eventually she asked to move back in. A couple of weeks prior to this I was working on her computer and came across some pics and letters that made me think she was dating someone. I asked her and she said no. I made it clear that if she was dating someone I wanted to know, and she said no. We made plans for her to move in, and when I went to move her stuff she was living with the guy I asked about her dating. This was a very uncomfortable situation, all of her stuff was thrown out, and the guys dad was there to keep the peace. I asked her about it later and she said they were not dating. That he was a drunk and had physical abused her. Also that she called the police on the guy, and thats why his dad was there and why she didn't tell me before...It felt very shady, and with all the other stuff I felt like she was lying. Every night I got home for the next week she was surfing facebook and myspace, and when I walked in she would change the screen. Every time her phone rang she went outside to talk. My gut was calling BS. I checked her email and confirmed what I thought, only like ten times worse. She has been friends/sleeping with the guy for a year. She got pregnant a month ago and he beat her up and she lost the baby. He has had a new girlfriend for a while and she has been hating on him via facebook and myspace trying to ruin his game with the new girl. I told her to get out, that she was a liar and I couldn't have her staying with me. She denied and denied and made up lie after lie until she eventually broke down and admitted. Thing is she only admitted to what I actually asked about. And she threw this huge guilt trip on me for dragging her back all that had recently happened. I didn't talk to her for a few days and tried to figure out what to do. She basically told me today, that she has no feelings for the guy now, but she had no where to go and was in a really bad an unsafe situation. Now I am so confused I don't know what to do. I do love her. Always have. My mistakes made her leave in the first place. Thing is I don't feel like she wants me, although she says she wants us to start over. Which after all the recent events she has gone thru, I can understand why. Biggest question I face is not having to figure out the living arrangements and hanging out again, but its things in my head. I think of something I would like to do or share with her, then I feel that will never happen. It is like when my mother died and there a million things I wish we could have done. Then I think about things we shared in the past and enjoyed, and immediately the thought of her sleeping with this guy destoys that thought. Granted I only got confirmation that all of this was going on 3 days ago, so it is pretty fresh. On top of that fact I didn't really feel like we were broke up so that adds on top of all the other. Worst part is I want her so bad, but I dont think I can do it. I end up ignoring her or being an a**hole. I guess I'm insecure and jealous. Her dad called today and asked if I would let her stay he would pay some rent money. I feel really bad about telling her to get considering her situation. I am so lost I just want to move away and start over.

Answer
Yours is the perfect situation of going with your feelings.  Your feeling are your natural lie detector.  If it does not feel right, then it probably is not. It really sounds like she was using you for some type of personal gain.  And, based upon what her father has offered, it sounds like she needs you for a place to live.  I don't want to be too blunt but, it does not sound like she is really that into you.  She was really into the other guy although he hurt her.  She obviously can not let him go even now.  If you are willing to deal with her drama then go for it.  I believe she will do it again.  She has not really shown you that she really loves you.  If she has, you did not communicate that fact.  You need to decide whether or not you can live in this type of situation.