Expert: Sam E - 2/13/2007

Question
Do I try again with counseling?? If he is willing?
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
Dear Sam,
        I have found out this weekend that my boyfriend of two years has cheated on me.( I only found out after I rang the hotel phone and she answered. I wonder how else I would have found out!) It was a drunken moment( as most are)and he says is truly sorry.He is half the world away with work, away from family and friends. I don't know what to do. I specifically told him that if he  cheated on me whilst away that we would be over.No second chances. Our relationship prior to this was travelling along quite fine, and we seemed to be making a future together.We don't live together( we both have custody of our children) He is due back in 3 weeks. My mind is in a daze and my blood runs cold every time I think of it. The thing is I don't know if he will do it again as he cheated on his wife and the other person he cheated with was me.I was single but he was married. He initially told me he was separated and a one night stand turned into an love affair, and of course I found out he was married. We ended it as I didn't want to break a marriage up and we both got on with our lives. I have had relationships since this time. A few years later his wife left him for another man. I think this is my karma. So you can see my dilemma. Do you think it MAY/May not be a pattern?He says he doesn't want it to end but I worry he will most likely do it again and my heart can take no more. How do you trust again after this??
-----Answer-----
FIRST OFF LET ME SAY THAT BEING DRUNK HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH CHEATING.
MOST OF US HAVE BEEN DRUNK AT LEAST ONCE IN OUR LIFETIME, AND THAT NEVER GAVE US THE RIGHT TO STRAY.
ONE TIME AT CHEATING IS ONE TIME TOO MANY.  HIS HISTORY OF CHEATING SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.  I’M SURE YOU THOUGHT THAT HE WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON YOU AND YET HERE YOU ARE. IT IS ONLY NATURAL TO THINK IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. THE THING IS, IT MOST LIKELY WILL.
I’M SURE YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS HAD SHE NOT ANSWERED HIS PHONE. SO WHO IS TO SAY THIS IS THE FIRST TIME? BECAUSE HE SAID SO?  AND THINK ABOUT THIS, IS HE SORRY BECAUSE HE STRAYED OR BECAUSE HE GOT CAUGHT? NOW DON’T BE TOO QUICK TO SAY BECAUSE HE STRAYED.
ASK YOURSELF THIS, IF SHE NEVER ANSWERED THE PHONE AND IF YOU NEVER FOUND OUT WOULD HE HAVE TOLD YOU? ANSWER HONESTLY.  WOULD THE GUILT HAVE BEN TO MUCH OR WOULD HE HAVE KEPT QUITE?
IT IS FACT THAT CHEATERS USUALLY DON’T CHANGE. HE HAS A HISTORY OF IT THAN HE DOES IT TO YOU SO I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. YES BREAKING UP IS PAINFUL BUT YOU WILL HEAL AND CHANCES ARE YOU’LL THANK YOURSELF LATER FOR DOING IT.
WRITE ME ANYTIME!!
SAM

Answer
If you want to and you think it is worth it. I see a pattern and since he cheated already on you I’m sure it will make any difference.  This is a decision you really need to think about.  If you want to try to work it out and he is willing to do whatever it takes than you should try. If there is a next time, leave. Don’t think twice!
Hope this helps!
Sam