Expert: Sam E - 1/17/2007

Question
My husband is a nice man who has only had two relationships prior to me. He is a quiet and shy man. We have been married for 15 years and since day one I have noticed that he never flirts with women by talking to them, he will pick a woman in the room to make eye contact with and flirt through eye contact.  This occurs everywhere we go, I can walk in and notice the minute it begins, he will try to hide it but it is obvious to me.  It hurts my feelings terribly and has ruined many fun events for me.  He never makes contact with the person except through the playful eyeing back and forth.  He has no other signs of cheating but I have always felt he probably would cheat if given the opportunity because he seems to need the confidence boost this gives him.  Should I worry? I would rather he walks up and says hello to a woman than play the eye contact game.  These women are often not even very beautiful.  I am thinking about leaving him and moving on because it really hurts me.  He will deny that it occurs and every time he does it I prove to him that I have seen it by pointing out the woman looking back time after time watching for him to be watching her.  He is the type of husband who comes home every night after work and spends all of his time with his family.  He does not go out with the guys, drink much or anything else.  He is a good husband in every way except this one painful flaw.....Help!

I appreciate your time in this matter.
Sincerely,
Tired of the heartache.

Answer
You are right when you say that this is probably his way of getting an ego boost.  Although it can be hurtful I would not suggest you leave him over it.   You need to sit down and have a heart felt talk with him Let him know that you see it and that is it very painful. Ask him why he feels the need to do this? Tell him to be completely honest with you. Remain very calm. Do not blame or yell or say things like you always or you never and when he talks, don’t interrupt. He needs to be able to open up to you and he won’t do this if you get upset. He will get defensive and nothing will get solved. I suggest you tell him that this flirting is so hurtful that if he does not stop you will leave. Be honest with him. This is not some addiction he can’t control. Let him know that you are willing to work with him and do whatever it takes, but the ball is in his court.
Here are some tips you can read that may help you.
How is the bedroom scene?  Is there no time for it? Do you have to schedule it in? Has it gone sour and perhaps become a chore?
If so, spice it up! Be spontaneous! Buy something sexy to bed  or  have sexual intercourse in an odd place. He could be feeling like you have lost interest in him and he is seeking approval else where. This is not to say it is your fault in any way shape or form. He is responsible for his actions. This is just some suggestion that will help, but sitting down with him and having that talk should come first.
Also, spend more time with each other just talking. Take the kids to a babysitter or to grandma’s and just have a very romantic night at home.
Try and set up a date night once a week.
Have a night when it is just you two. I  suggest it be at home until he gets his “problem” under control. Make sure there are no kids and no interruptions (cell phones, home phone and such)  Just you and him!

Lastly, I’m pretty sure that this has caused you massive insecurities. I suggest you work on your self-esteem. If you don’t already do so, find time each day to workout. Take a walk, go the gym, do some type of exercise at least 20 minutes a day. Exercise improves how we look and feel inside and out! It is also a great stress reliever! Also, spend more time on your hobbies. If you don’t have one, get one!
Go back to school, take up a karate class, an art class. Spend more time with friends. Have a girls night out. Go to the movies or a club. Do things that you love and that will make you feel better. Take time to care for you!
I hope this helps and write me anytime!
Sam