Expert: Don - 11/21/2007

Question
QUESTION: This is a subtle one.  My boyfriend and I are early 40s.  He was married before we met.  He and his wife had decided to divorce and were living in a house that he owned.  He asked her to leave but did not throw her out while she waited to a below market rent apartment (we are in a high-rent California area).  He went on match.com before she moved out...but just a month before she moved out and after they had already decided to divorce.  I met him and we began to date slowly with the wife still living with him.  He did not even try to kiss me until date #6 which was after the wife moved out.  One more thing....after he and the wife decided to divorce, they were not even talking to eachother yet they slept in the same bed until she moved out.  He said that he refused to leave his bedroom and that he asked her to move out more than once during that time period.  She did move out within 1 month of my starting to date him, but that means that we had about 4 dates while he was still sleeping in the same bed with her.  Yuck!  (He just told me this..we've now been together 14 months).

Also, unknown to me, as we dated in the first 4 to 5 months, he continued to talk on the phone with another woman and went out with her a few times and one more woman also but I think just once. He and I became intimate 2 1/2 months after we began dating so he kept dating other women for 2 months after we became intimate (I didn't know at the time).  I think he really did not sleep with them...he's a very slow mover and that is my best guess. He also had a myspace profile and was talking to some local woman on there at the same time, it's clear from their comments that he was trying to meet her.  

Maybe he would have eventually stopped on his own, but at the 4 1/2 month point when I confronted him, I just said, do you want me to pursue other men, make a choice...are we going to be exclusive or not...He chose exclusive, bought me a small diamond (not engagement) ring and have been exclusive ever since.

Since we discussed all this (about 4 1/2 months into our dating), I believe that he has had no contact with other women at all and no dates.  He's been a very good boyfriend.  I'm invited to all his family's get togethers, holidays etc.  He explains it all as being that he was literally just divorcing when I met him and he didn't really want a relationship yet.  Do you think he has cheater tendencies or does this explain his behavior.  He is a truly wonderful boyfriend in every way but I am bothered by how we began.

Although, I'd hate to leave him, I can't end up long-term with a cheater...I'd return the favor if it ever happened to me and then walk.  That's just my personality, I have no trouble getting men and I'm a little firery so if a man ever cheated on me...I'd grab a bottle of champaign and book a hotel suit with my new lover and never go back.  (Is it bad that I told him that?  LOL...it's just that that is what I would really do.)  

So for me in particular...better to stick with a non-cheater type.   

What do you think?

ANSWER: I wouldn't think that he is a cheater, I think it's exactly what he said it is. He didn't get a chance to be single at all after his divorce. Most men fresh out of a long term relationship or marriage aren't going to jump straight into another relationship. Usually what happens is they spend some time dating different women before moving into another long term relationship. He didn't really get a chance to date anybody because he was already talking to you a month before he even became divorced, he just never had a chance to date before he got into another long term relationship with you.

Seeing as since the two of you had that talk he hasn't been involved with any other women, I would believe that he isn't a cheater, he was just going through his post divorce happy to be single phase.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: How bad is it that I told him I'd cheat within hours if he ever cheated on me...and then leave permanantely.  It's what I would really do.

Answer
It's not bad but it is silly and childish, if you're going break up with him anyway, what's the point of going out and having sex with some random person. You cheating on him wouldn't be the thing that hurt him anyway, the fact that you left him is way more important.

Forget the revenge aspect of it, just leave and that should be enough.