Expert: Amanda L. - 1/4/2004

Question
Amanda,
I just got back from a long trip and knew something was wrong,My girlfriend had it written all over her, and I could feel it and see it in her eye's well she was very hesitant to tell me because of her fear of losing me, anyways we had a loong trip back til halfway home somewhere in Missouri she told me she had been "Raped" I simply asked one question" Did you report it?" No she said? So I turned away and she cried, Well she went on to tell me who it was, it was someone she had been with before and had bragged about in front of me, only she did'nt remember that? well I asked if it was voluntary or not and she said unvoluntary at first and later said voluntary, supposedily cause she did'nt want to report it and she knew I'd want her to, but she did'nt want to get her friend in trouble though right? anyways I dont believe her and now every girl i talk to she accuses me of boinking? when I seriously have nothing to with them I may as well boink them, she even agrees? I think I should but I dont think I have the heart to cheat? I have twice only I had Trouble getting it up, I only tried to cause she had pissed me off, so it made it hard for me to be sexually interested I guess when your boinking for the wrong reasons? I let her know that I did but that was in the past now I have to do it? like she leaves me no choice? what do you think I should do?
                     Jas   Des Moines, IA.

Answer
Jason,

Rape is incredibly serious. It may hurt her to turn her friend in, but if he did it to her, there's nothing saying he won't or hasn't done it to someone else.
If it was a matter that it was completely voluntary, then maybe she's not the right person for you. It seems that she's paranoid that you're doing it because she did it which means that it may still be going on. Example: When I was a boyfriend once who cheated on me(I didn't know at the time) everytime I came back from a guy friend's house he gave me the third degree about whether I cheated or not(which I didn't). He saw what he was doing and figured if he could do it why couldn't i?  Trust is something that is earned and incredibly important, if the trust is broken, its very difficult to get back and its very difficult to run a relationship with no trust.

Amanda L.