Expert: Calixta Arguinzoni - 8/18/2006

Question
Thank you I really appreciate your response.  I tryed to rate you but it said it had already been done. I really still do not know what to do. we've talked and cried and talked some more, I told her I will be with her still, but the more I think about it I don’t think I can really do it right now.  I think that the two things that are killing me the most are 1.)the fact the SHE, told me she has told him "I love you".  she told me that she told him about a month ago that she loved him but didn’t have the same feeling for him she once had. She told me that she didn’t really love him even though she had told him. And second That SHE STILL HUNG OUT WITH HIM, even if she says they had stopped having sex.
If you have anything to add please do my E-mail address is Jester_99_89@yahoo.com
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Followup To

Question -
Sorry but this will be kind of long.  we've been together for 4 1/2 years and living together for about 2 of them.  its been an ok relationship though I feel she may have cheated on me in the past.  I found out tonight that my lady cheated on me for sure.  I read an Email from him, she confesed all about it.  She said that it started in november and ended in march, but she has been friends with him and hangs out with him at least 2 times a month.  I dont know what to do! I'm really lost.  I want to try to work it out, but i dont think i can ever trust her again.  I really love her, but i cant stop thinking of her in his arms.
Please help
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Answer -
Good afternoon,

First of all I'm sorry about you finding out about your significant other being unfaithful to you. I know how upsetting this is, and how in extreme cases it can affect your sleep, eating habits, or personal interests. Right now your common sense is having a duel (or an emotional fight) on what to do now.

You've found out about the affair, so what's next? It's time to find yourself. Being in a relationship in which you've invested your heart and soul, and having it thrown back in your face is not easy to digest. I know that when couples actually come together, each one has to give something up to accommodate their significant other. It could be late partying, bad habits, you name it, but eventually you both get adjusted. This kind of explains your feeling “lost” right now, since she seems to be falling out of the picture.

I'm pretty sure you have made ends meet to actually make this work, because you explained that you've felt that she may have cheated on you in the past. Now that you have found out, I don't see how this is a shock to you since you had suspected it in the past.

Love does a good job of messing up your ideals. This is because there are certain routines that make us feel safe, and like all routines, they become a habit. Habits can be dangerous as they can be healthy, but this relationship is not healthy for you. Your heart seems to be blinding your logic.

Your mind is at the state of alert, which explains why you feel bad (your lady was inconsiderate of your needs and feelings and not only made a fool of you with someone you have yet to know, but hurt your morals as well) and these thoughts collide with what your heart is telling you, that you love her regardless.

MY suggestion is that you take time to find yourself, look for old friends, practice sports, be the best at what you like to do. This will make you feel good because returning to these things will help ground you. Forget about her in those moments, and visualize yourself as someone competent and successful. This will help you because breaking a routine "cold turkey" actually affects your ability to concentrate (because your mind is trying to figure out what’s missing). The time off will help you get a clearer focus on what you really want in a relationship, and not what your heart needs to “kill the pain”, of being hurt.

After all this is squared away arrange to speak to her. You have to understand that we are all human and we all make mistakes, but her disrespecting you by keeping communications with the man that jeopardized that commitment that you had with her is not acceptable. It would be different if it was an ex-boyfriend, but this was someone that is STILL in the picture. You have to let her know how her selfishness is affecting you. I have to warn you that by mentioning this, she will result in comparing things you do that are "selfish" in her mind. You are not talking about minor things; you are talking about the very base of a relationship, which is intimacy, a thing she violated.

Once you speak your mind you have to understand that the relationship is not in your hands, but in hers. She took the first initiative of "straying" so now that you know what she could be capable of, it's her decision either to change her ways and start over with you, or leave. If you feel you will not be able to trust her, tell her after you tell her how you feel, and make your decision. Her making a choice is only an option if you decide to put the ultimatum in her hands.

If you decide to stay with her, you will literally have to put this aside and forgive her completely. It is a very difficult thing to do, but believe it or not your heart will let you know if her being sorry is "genuine". It is a task difficult to overcome but not impossible. This will be good because you can find out what you both need to keep the flame burning in the relationship. Most women stray because of their partners certain lack of detail to things (ex. flowers, compliments, surprises, etc.) yet it is not an excuse.

All this can be resolved by talking, but try to find yourself first. This could take hours, days, even weeks, you'll know. Eventually it will put confidence in your decision to trust her again, or say goodbye. Success in your decision making.


Answer
good afternoon,
Unfortunately I'm limited to speaking to you from this link but feel free to ask as many questions as needed. I regret that you are still feeling lost in this situation. I can completely agree on the reasons you have to be reluctant to forgive her. I hate to say this but unless you accept her apology as is, with the will power to forget what happend, what I see happening is an on and off again relationship. Mainly this could happen because of the serious trust issues that are going on.

Love is a very powerful word, I myself do not use it unless it is something I am sure about. I also regret that she had feelings strong enough to love someone else and still be with you for that matter of fact. Clearly this woman has not made up her mind, if you had not of found out, the rendevouz with the third part would've kept going on. Whatever the reasons she had to do this anyway, she apparently knew you'd always be back home waiting.

I wouldn't put to much faith in her making it look like a mistake. Though it maybe true to some extent it usually is to gain her favor over the situation. This went on for a long while behind your back Mr. Confused, are you really willing to be the "loyal puppy" in this relationship? I'm pretty sure that if you had cheated on her, her girlfriends would've had her back in her decision to not forgive you. Eight out of ten times women do not forgive their spouses after infidelity. Remember, this is a choice that takes time making, and it takes a while to make sense of this, but your decisions either have to wait to be made or made to be final. Changing your mind at the last minute could make it seem that you do not have a strong sense of WHO you are value and morally wise. This will take time, and I suggest you take time to make a decision, than just reaching one to feel safe. Success in your decisions, and feel free to ask anything else if needed to.