Expert: Don - 4/7/2007

Question
Early in our relationship before we were married my husband cheated on me and got another woman pregnant.  The result is that he has two children the same age.  He was never up front about this child and I found out about the child indirectly.  I tried to move on and forgive him but really I could not.  We got married but I was always bitter about this child.  We have since seperated (almost 1 year now) and I have a new love interest.  Now, I find myself being overly watchful of my new friend.  Is is lingering feelings of mistrust from my marriage or do I just feel bad because I am technically cheating on my husband because we are not officially divorced yet.  I want to rid myself of the anger and bitter feelings.

Answer
I believe the feelings you have of being overly watchful of your new friend is indeed because of what your husband did for you. I know it's hard but if you want the new relationship to work you are going have to let go of the feelings of the hurt your husband did to you and treat this guy like he is as a totally different person. You have to remember it was your husband that hurt you and not your new friend. He shouldn't be punished for the crimes your husband committed against you. Because this new relationship will never work if you are constantly questioning the new guy and treating him as if he did you wrong.

As far as feeling you are cheating on your husband, forget those at well, you aren't the two of you are no longer together, while technically married, you two aren't really in a relationship and you should act according. There is nothing wrong with you going out and finding a man who knows how to treat you. Remember your husband was the one who was dishonest and went out and cheated while you were together and it's his fault that your marriage didn't work. Don't punish yourself and feel guilty over a man that didn't deserve you to begin with.

So quick advice give the new guy a chance, open up to him and try to make your relationship work. You aren't doing anything wrong and it's time for you to move on past your cheating husband. Try to enjoy this new life you have with your new friend.

I hope this has helped and good luck with whatever choices you make