Expert: Sam E - 1/8/2007

Question
I found out about two weeks ago that my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me with 2 different girls on 3 different occassions.  This has also happened in the past, once, about a year and a half ago.  The first time it happened I was stunned, but understood drunken mistakes, especially because I have made them myself.  The other 3 occasions that have happened more recently---2 were during a "break" which we specified no sex, but he obviously did not abide by that.   The other most recent occurred at the beginning of this month, with his ex-girlfriend while I was out of town for the night.  He came foward less than two weeks after this last one and told me everything.  He said the reason he cheated during our break was because he wasn't happy and wanted to end it.  Looking  back now I can specify the time that the summer cheating happened b/c our relationship was in such a bad place.  All of that finally came to a boil and we discussed things and our relationship has been better than ever---until the very last one---he claims that he didn't want to do it, that he just made a drunken mistake (another one?---sounds like an alcohol problem, but really we are just young and stupid) and circumstances were just too convienient---the ex lives out of town and just happened to be in town that same weekend.  Anyway, he came foward, claiming he wanted me to know if we get married.  He says he doesn't want to do it again and the reasons he had to cheat in the past are no longer there.  However, he also said he didn't know if he could promise me that it would never happen again (but who could).  Anyway, I guess my question is---should I try to do this or should I leave?  What is the next step?  I love him and it's hard to see a future without him, but I don't want to continue to be hurt.

Answer
I think your best bet would be move on. It is obvious that he does not care for you or have any respect for you, therefore, you need to find the strength to leave. His reasons for cheating are suddenly gone and now you should trust him? I don't think so. It will happen again. That is a hard thing to face, but in order to move on, you need to realize this.  He will not change and your pain makes no difference to him. He will say whatever he needs to say now, but how can you ever trust that it will not happen again when it has happened so many times before and with so many other women?  Why stay with a man who does not respect you? He also puts your life at risk. Think of the STD’s he could give you. Trust me, the sooner you tell him bye bye the better. It will be painful but so is staying with him.  Once you have moved on, you will look back at this and wonder why you stayed so long. I was once where you are. I had no self esteem and I though that if I just kept trying he would come around. Needless to say he never did. Once I left him I got myself together and went back to school, made new friends and started to enjoy my life again. Soon I found true love and I look back now and wonder what in the world I was thinking. Leaving will be hard but staying with him will be even harder. Walk away now. Start putting the focus on you and not him. Do things that will start to better your life and soon he will only be a bad memory.
If you want to give it another go (I do not suggest this) take time apart and seek counseling. You will not heal from this when is he is always around. It is like a festering wound that he keeps picking at. Take a few weeks off from him. This means, no contact but maybe a call every once in a while but nothing more. As you now know ignoring it will not make it go away it only drives you crazier and makes you madder! I am not sure if at first the therapist will want couple counseling, this may come after the break apart. Things can someday be the same again but he now has to prove he is trustworthy and worth a second chance. If you jump right back into the relationship without time to heal, you will eventually end up exploding because it will pick at you until there is nothing left. Tell him he needs to stay away while you think and seek some help with this. He should be understanding of this, if he is not, you may want to consider leaving her forever,  because this shows that he really doesn’t see what effect this has had on you two (regardless of what he says). Words are just that and actions speak loader. Give him time and you time to cool off and think things over.
Hope this helps. Write me anytime!
Sam