Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 11/25/2007

Question
I'm not sure if this questions is best suited for this section, and it is also very complicated, please direct me elsewhere if need be.

I met this guy on-line about 7 months ago. We fell in love very fast and everything was wonderful and amazing.

He currently lives in Germany and I will be studying there in February and it was always understood that we would be together then.

We started to have some problems in our relationship regarding sexual tension. He simple wanted me to show things to him using my web cam but for a million different reasons, I couldn't do it; I was self conscious, but mostly I wanted to do that with him in real life.

There were three instances where I refused, the first two times, we patched everything up after a few days but the third time, I received an e-mail that said he no longer wanted to talk to me.

I did everything I could in protest.

We were broken up for two months. In this time I thought of him constantly and would try to talk to him but he would always refuse. He would say mean things to me, he would tell me to find someone else and that he wasn't excited about seeing me anymore and so on but in my heart I still felt him there and I still tried.

I started to talk to other people in some ways just to pass the time. One guy I talked to a lot just playing pool and stupid things and once I showed him my panties. Another guy I was talking to who I only talked to that day, i showed him my bra, he was masturbating on cam and he asked me to do it to, i thought it was dumb but just acted like i did, he kept telling me to move my bra and i did a little and i never told him to stop i just went along with it. And the third guy was a person i dated in high school (5+ years ago). Our relationship ended very badly and I hurt him a great deal. In my guilt of messing up my relationship with the current person, I messaged him trying to mend my past, he gave me some line that if I showed him my boobs, he'd talk to me. I knew this was stupid, but I thought, well I don't have a boyfriend it doesn't matter, so I showed him... even though I still cared for my man very very much.

This man I'm in love with is is Indian, we've talked a lot about sex and things of the sort. He is not a virgin but I am. He told me that if I had had sex it would be ok as long as I loved the person I did it with and wasn't just messing around.


We got back together literally two months after he broke up with me. He told me that he thought about me every day and missed me dearly.

My mind said it was over but my heart knew better... and that's why I feel its so wrong, because in our hearts we were still together.

I tried to rationalize it as we were broken up so it didn't matter. But I didn't feel right and I knew I had to tell him because I wanted to be honest to him.

I told him that the first one saw my underwear, the second my bra and the third more than my bra. I answered any question he asked.

He asked me if I cared for these men and I said no. I told him that I would often think that I should find someone new (and he did tell me to) so I tried and I think in some low self esteem attempt, I was trying to do that.

I know it hurts him a lot because I wouldn't do those things with him that I would do with a random person, and not just one, but three.

I tried to explain to him that I didn't do those things with him because I felt he deserved better, he deserved it in real life. I think it was me too feeling that I deserved it in real life as he is the first person, aside from family, that i have ever felt has loved me.

It's getting close to me going to Germany and before I told him we had planned for me to come early and to stay a few days with him before I start school. Now I'm not sure if he wants that.

I know he cares about me. And he's said 'We were broken up... what's in the past is in the past' and an other time I asked him how we were going to fix this and he said 'what's there to fix, everyday we need to fix something, what now?' But I know he is still hurting, it would have killed me if he would have done that to me. I'd still love him, but it would hurt a lot.

I don't normally do things like that. Every time I did it, I felt it was stupid. It didn't mean anything to me... I just wanted to feel something in those two months and all I got from it was a greater pain.
I am so ashamed of what I did, no one around me knows about me acting like that, but I had to tell him because he deserves to know how stupid I was if he will ever love me again. I never did anything like that when we were together before, or in the brief time that we have been back together.

I see myself with this man forever, the only thing I saw wedging us apart were his parents not allowing us to be married.

But now I've done something to cause real pain, not just anger this time.

I told him about it and he said that he appreciated that I told him.

How do I fix the pain. I know that in 30 years he will make fun of me for it, but I still can't stand that I tarnished our otherwise perfect relationship.

I told him this all on Friday, it's now Sunday. We didn't talk Saturday.

What should I do?

Answer
I do not know if this is the appropriate forum for this question.  However I will try to address some of your issues.  It may seem odd that you were willing to show your body parts to men that you did not know but really that makes some sense to me.  You did not care for these men.  You felt love for your man in Germany.  you wanted to be more intimate with him.  It may be difficult to convince him of this, but you need to let him know that you were embarrassed to do those things with him over the internet, but that you will happily share with him in person.  If he really cares about you he will wait.  Good Luck.