Expert: Ini Obong - 7/18/2005

Question
I am 33 years old, live in IL, US, and have been in a relationship with him for over 12 years total. But he is a different man than I fell in love with. Here's the situation.......

This is actually a very complicated situation. My ex-husband and I separated and divorced by my choice because of the unfair treatment that he dished out to my daughter from a previous relationship. We have a daughter together also, but she gets treated like a princess. Anyway, while we were separated and then divorced, I've had 2 relationships and he has had numerous ones. One of his old girlfriends is still very interested in him. She lives in the same town that we do (by the way, we now live together again and are trying to work out our differences). She leaves him messages on his phone telling him that she loves him, etc. He has made it a point to meet up with her several times and tells me that there is nothing to it, just friends. But, I found a letter that he wrote her telling her that he couldn't live without her and "if I'm where I'm supposed to be, why can't I forget about you? I see your face every time I close my eyes", etc. He tells me that this was an old letter he wrote to her and that he doesn't want her. But, he still finds opportunities to talk to her, etc. I hate her and he refuses to quit seeing her as a "friend". He gets defensive if I say anything bad about her and jumps on me about my old relationships. I really need some advice. Should I give up or just live with things this way? I'm about to go crazy. Please help me if you can.

Sincerely,
Kim

Answer
Hi Kim,

I really feel for you but the truth is that you guys have not dealt with the earlier situation that caused the initial break up. You seem to ignore your problems. You need to face up to them.

Take an afternoon out with two of your alone together and let either party table his/her expectations and demands and also state what you have to offer. The guy sees you as desperate so he is taking advantage of you. Dont sell yourself short; you have a bright life ahead of you so dont compromise.

He is still enjoying the romance with the other girl and wants to keep you as a fallback in the house. You should never agree to that. So make your stand now!