Expert: Amanda L. - 1/27/2004

Question
My boyfriend and i have been together over a year now.  at one point in our relationship after about 6 mo. i found out he had cheated on me with three other girls; one his ex.  someone else told me but he confessed.  ive never cheated on him, i dont have any disire to.  i talk to a guy over e-mail that has a girlfriend and we talk about our relationships but it never goes past that, and im not attracted to him sexually.
My boyfriend thinks that now i have one up on him and that i will cheat on him to get him back.  Its starting to drive me crazy.  i know he will not cheat on me again because that was a turning point in our relationship.  he says that it bothers him so much because he knows that if i did i wouldnt tell him because i would be scared.  he sits there and begs me to tell him who i've cheated on him with.  he says he just has feelings and dreems that i have.  He gets mad at me because he says that he told me the truth and I wont tell him.  He gets real upset sometimes and thinks im lying.  I dont know what else I can do but reassure him I havent.  
But I think he thinks its too good to be true.  He thinks that everyone cheats.  I feel like if you have everything you want and need in someone then theres no reason to cheat.   i dont know what to do; sometimes i think things would be better if i had cheated; then we both would have messed up a could have forgave eachother, but now he thinks that i have one up on him to cheat on him.  i love him and dont want this to ruin our relationship but i dont know how much more i can take.  i do so much for him and after being faithful to someone for this long and they sit there and accuse you of cheating all the time; that doesnt feel good.  what do i do?

Answer
Hallie,

I've had a lot of questions like this. You need to first off tell him that you don't have a reason to cheat because of all the qualities he has that you don't want to find in anyone else or just plain can't.  it's very hard to convince people that you're not cheating when they used to. It's the cheating paranoia.  Maybe you should try to hit him with reality. Do some exercises such as writing down the pros and cons to cheating vs not cheating, or asking him to write down things he tried to do to cover up the cheating, to have him realize that you've done none of those things or things remotely like them. I know it's a tedious process to prove to the one you love to have them trust you.  You're other option is to tell him that you're getting really frustrated with his lack of trust, and that if a relationship doesn't have the foundation of  trust then it's very difficult to continue a relationship. hit him with reality in any way that you can.


Amanda L.