Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 11/27/2007

Question
I am in a relationship of more than 3 years approaching 4 years. We were a match made from high-school and decided to come to college together. Now that we are about to graduate from college, I found out that she has “cheated” on me in the last 3 weeks. I found out that she has been seeing someone and has gotten really close with them through studying late nights in the library and so on and on. I found out because I had gut feelings from the very beginning of when she met this guy and her usual explanation that it was just a harmless relationship and I kept talking to her about it and it was ruining our relationship. I could not be affectionate to her and have the feeling that she is not exclusive with me. However, I didn’t know the extent of their relationship until I saw the txt msg in her phone that she Sent to him. The messages were she has sent to me when we started dating 4 years ago. I love her very much and I know that she loves me very much. According to her, she say that the other guy did not mean anything to her. She wanted a thrill from it all. And since being in our relationship for so long, she did not feel like she was getting that thrill with me anymore but it’s not like she didn’t enjoy being with me, the sex, or the love. She and I were the happiest couple in the world not long ago: 1-2 months ago. After all this happen, I left the house and said that I would leave her. She told me that she did not want me to leave but I told her that I could not understand how someone I love that is so real could betray my trust and jeopardizing everything that we had together with 3.5 years of memories. I also found out that she has not been honest with her new fling as well. I was tempted to call him and talk to him. However, I found out from circumstances that he knows of me as her roommate but does not know that we are seeing each other seriously and sharing the same bed every night. I just do not understand that as we both live together and has planned going away to GRAD school together, how she had thought the relationship with this guy would be sustainable.  We were both contemplating of long-term things but now, since we came to college together and our lives are complicatedly intertwine through work, school and social life, I am having a hard time abstracting from it all and getting back on my own feet. I am taking the time off and living with a friend to think of what I should do next but feel angry and betrayed. This has subsided somewhat and I am at that stage where I would like to move on with her or put a closure to this long relationship. What should I do and how could I heal from this all and move on with or without her?

Answer
It will take time for you to totally heal.  It helps to move on when you are with someone else.  If not, you will think of her constantly for a while.  You do have to remember that whatever she did has nothing to do with you.  It is usually a personal void that she must work through.  You can get over it and forgive, even if you never forget.