Expert: Calixta Arguinzoni - 8/18/2006

Question
Hi.Thank you so much for your advice.This helps.My question now is what do I do to show(without words)that I like him?How do I do more than what is expected in this affair?You mentioned I should tell him I like him.But,you also said I should not tell him this early because I might sound threating.Also how do I show that I have more to offer if he's bent on keeping things physical.I can tell he's scared.He has said things like"running away".I feel from his behavior like he's afraid if he gets too attached,or if he stays around me too long he may really start to feel something strong for me.Or,if we act like a couple we might become one.I feel his struggle.I see it in his eyes.But I know I can't tell him this.I don't want to scare him.But I want him to relax.To be with me without telling me he has to go after"this".(You know what I mean)There were time at work when we would be in the middle of a conversation and he would just say "uh uh" and just turn around walk away.It felt like he could not get away from me fast enough.I let mhim call me aways.I only call him first if he has told me to return his call.Is this good.Should I call more?I just don't want to be clingy.I like knowing that when he calls or texts he's thinking about me.Help I'm still confused.

Thanks
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Followup To

Question -
Here's the thing.There was a guy I worked with 2 months ago.I quit to pursue another career.And, I felt the attraction between us was one sided and,he has a finance.A few weeks after I quit I get an email asking to go out for lunch.We did and the chemistry was still there.The emails stopped for a few weeks.I told myself I have to move on.Then I realized I left my friends umbrella in his car.So,last Monday we made plans to have lunch on Wednesday.But he got sick so we reschelduled for Thursday.On Thursday morning we talked on the phone for 2 hours.During that conversation I told him I had a thing for him.We was trying to put me down easy untill he admitted that he felt chemistry too and that he tried to deny it and thought it would go away after I quit.So,he came over the same day in the afternoon and before he walked out he kissed me.And boy that kiss told a lot.He left before we went too far.Anyway Saturday at 2am i get a text saying he needed to see me.He came over and we slept together and yesterday.I'm crazy I know.I have feeling for him.When we worked together my attraction to him wasn't just physical.He has called me everyday since last Monday.We had a good friendsip during and after working together.He has said many times while we worked together"If I marry Brandy or I told Brandy she better stop gaining weight"I don't know what to do.I want to tell him that my attraction to you is not only physical.There's something there.I mean this is not a guy who just sleps around.i know him.I remember when he would say "You're trouble"I did not know wht that meant until he told me.That I tested him.He texts me to say hes thinking about me.I don't know.Sorry about being wordy.I just want someone to understand.

Answer -
Well I don't really know what your question is but let me see...

The person you are currently seeing obviously is attached to someone but, he is not married so you are in the clear.I say this because all is fare before making a commitment under God and legally, to someone. Apparently he does not have as many feelings for his current fiancee as he does for you. This is because of his choice for picking you as a sexual partner and I believe that the attraction was there before hand, hence the "your trouble" comments.

The comment obviously implies that he is at verge of temptation with you. Now...you explain that you want him to know that your attraction to him is not just physical, it's emotional as well. My warning to you is that he has not made a clear decision on what he wants with either you or his fiancee, but in "his" current confusion he still had to have you intimately.

In the case that he decides to stay with his fiancee, that emotional feeling in the physical part of this affair, will be lost, so brace yourself. If you want him to straighten things out with you, to see if he will choose you over her, you must do it in a very convincing manner. Men usually tend to stay with their original partners because of how comfortable they feel with them, or because of all they have been through up to now. If you decide you want to compete with that, you must make yourself as convincing as possible and even do more than expected in this affair (that is without looking psycho).

Men like feeling comfortable, and besides having someone who knows them inside out (his fiancee for example) to nag at him, when they do decide to "stray" they seek someone sexually charged and understanding (this could be your case).

Men aren't really good with talking, but if you could show him how much you want this it could actually work in your favor. If you were to come straight out on how you feel this EARLY in your affair, it could sound threatening to him and might break it of with you.

My advice is (although I'm not for him seeing two people at once) is to show him how much you want this, but ask him about his current girl to see how much time you have to actually earn his heart. Let him know that you like him, and accept him as he is but that you have a lot more to offer.

I do warn you that things like this don't end pretty, and maybe faced with letting his current girl down might put a reality check on the fact that he is hurting someone he invested time and effort to. Which ever the case be strong, if you want him you might end up suffering just by waiting for him to decide what he wants, but when this happens you know what to do, and thats leaving him even if it hurts.

I do hope that even if you do decide to keep the relationship under wraps, that one or the other will get involved and it is up to either of you to make a selfish decision. Sometimes being selfish ends in profit, yet sometimes being selfish ends in loss. Remember he is decieving someone at the moment and eventually this could be you someday. Success on whatever you choose to do.

Answer
Good afternoon,

I believe that a good way of showing him is through actions, either bringing him lunch unexpectedly, wearing some extra sexy lingerie when he sees you, getting to know him more on an emotional and personal level, etc.
When there is interest, a good advantage is attention to detail. When a couple’s relationship progresses there seems to be a lesser attention to detail each year. It gets to a point where a couple either is to comfortable or to laid back to actually give importance to details, compared to other things that are considered more important.
Your advantage would be getting to know more about him. Get to know what movie he likes, favorite food, favorite sexual position, you decide. It may sound funny but maybe reading a “COSMOPOLITAN” mag or checking online bulletins on how to “keep your man” might be insightful. Things like this help boost a man’s confidence as well as his lust for you.

Apparently he’s really inclined to keep this sexual, but that is in a way a great advantage to you. You seem like you want to keep this guy, so extra research on how to set your bed on “fire” could help. You have to understand that this is just as confusing to him as it is for you. It might take a while for him to react but trying to be the perfect girl in the sheets and out of them could help you out.

I also explained on how trying not to be straight forward with what you feel. What I meant (for your advantage) was for you to not force him into liking you. He’s still confused, he likes you, but it’s hard for him to admit it in his situation. Talk to him, find out what he feels, but don’t put pressure, maybe reassuring him that he can trust you, and that you have “developed” feelings for him can help him clear his mind. Guys sometimes need support like this but be careful if he is just in it for sex, that’s why you have to talk whenever you can. Also avoid drama; I think he gets enough of it from his significant other.

Regarding about the “doing to much” this involves gifts and phone calls. Guys like him have to practically erase their calls or hide their phone bills from their significant other. Don’t call him unless asked, but let him know that you like hearing from him. As for the gifts, his girl might suspect something if he begins to come home with a whole bunch of new stuff. I wouldn’t recommend it, but if you do decide to get him something, let it be something not so “obvious”.
Talking is the key to getting this guy, and the attention to the small things will help win him over. Remember, he’s risking something long term to actually be with you, knowing that your grateful and that you enjoy him being with you will help him open up to you. Success in what ever you do. Feel free to ask as many questions as you like.