Expert: Sam E - 7/13/2007

Question
It's been a long week for me, and it never seems to be getting better. I've been with the girl of my dreams for 15 months now. We've had our ups and downs, but we've promised each other we'd never give up, and that no matter what, we could do anything together, forever. I'm 20 years old, and she's 17, and I know you may think that's a little bit of an age gap, but this girl means the world to me, and I'd do anything for her, no questions asked. I used to work out of town as a private investigator, and would be gone for months at a time. We would talk every day, send emails, texts, everything to remind each other of how much we were made to be, and how we were in love with each other head over heels. Well as time went on, things evolved, and I decided not to go away to work any more, and to get a job that best suited our relationship, which meant a day job, monday to friday, nine to five, which would have been a great idea because she has school while I work, and we'd be able to work out, and spend weekends together. Just last week, she had invited me to go camping with her and some of her friends she used to work with, all of whom are male, and I decided it would be a great idea to go along. Unfortunately for me, my dental plan was running out, and in order to have my wisdom teeth removed, I needed to go under the knife Thursday, the day before she left. Now if I were in her shoes, I would have stayed and been there to support me, and I know that was the first sign things weren't going to be good. She left, went on her trip, said she loved me, and that she'd call sunday. Well after 15 months of talking every day, I wasn't going to let a camping trip get in the way, so I drove two hours into the middle of nowhere on Saturday, just to end up arriving at an empty camp. I sat around and waited, and her friends arrived, saying hello to me, and that she would be back soon. It turns out she had met someone on the Friday, and had been watching the sun set with him, before ending their time together with a kiss and some hand-holding. She cheated on me, and the hardest thing to deal with is that I never once did anything to deserve this. I never asked her for anything, I gave and gave and gave and never once complained. I love the girl, I forgave her, and I want more than anything to work this out. I said we could take counselling, and work through everything, but she said her feelings for me were gone, and that I should move on, and not look back. I can't help but feel overwhelmed. I feel so disgusting, so worthless, so used. I gave this girl 15 months of my life, and when I look back at the texts and emails I had saved, I just can't help but be brought to tears. She said the most beautiful words anyone has ever said to me, she gave me a gorgeous necklace with our names and out anniversary on it, as well as "Love Never Ends" engraved onto it. This girl is my soul-mate, or at least that's how I feel. I don't know what to do to move on. I know she's not interested in me any more, and she wants to be friends, but I can't be friends with someone I still have such strong feelings for. Do I take her back if she comes back? She knows I'm always going to want to be with her. Should I agree to be with her only after going through counselling? I don't know how to overcome this pain and anger I have in my heart. The best friend I have ever had destroyed any piece of hope I ever had. I love her, I know I do, or I wouldn't have been so quick to forgive her and ask for her back. I need advice, so please help.

-Daniel

Answer
The fact that she is only 17,  has already cheated and broke up with you tells me that she isn’t ready for a committed relationship and she really is not into  you anymore.  She has said that it is over and now all you can do is accept it and move on.  When someone says we can still be friends that is usually a way to soften the blow and you are right, being friends is NOT going to work right now.  Breaking up means just that, and if I were you I would end all contact (unless she contacts you). If not, you will end up looking desperate and needy and she will most certainly not be attracted to that. Plus it will only cause you more pain.
The hard thing to realize is that she doesn’t want you anymore and there is nothing you can do.
I know it's devastating but you will get over it, it will just take time. Hanging on to her will only prolong your pain and its pointless.
Go find support and love with your friends and family. They can help you through this. Trust me, there is a girl out there for you and although that is the last thing on your mind, eventually it will give you hope. She just wasn’t meant to be.
If anything remember this, if she wanted you she never would have broke up and if she changes her mind she knows where to find you. Let her go...
Sam