Expert: RITA - 5/2/2004

Question
Hello John,
I am in need of your assistance. I am a 30 year old man.  I am educated (teacher) and a reasonably intelligent person.  My fiancee is going to school to be a nurse.  She works part-time in an office that is next door to an Army recruiter.  In Dec. 2003, I walked in to her office and saw a closed door.  When I called out her name, first walked out an Army recruiter, then my fiancee.  I was immediately told that nothing was happening by her.  The man simply walked on past me.  After about 2 days of constant continuous questioning by me, she cracked.  She told me that she had sex with him once in his office which is next door to her's.  I, of course was furious, and then later she confessed to three more times cheating on me, once she said she went to a motel.  
(It may be important to note at this point that I was not paying her much attention at this point in our relationship.  I had my mind occupied because I was at the time unemployed.)
I forgave her gradually in the next few days and we set a date on our wedding.  Then the story changed from her cheating on me a total of 4 times to a total of only 1.  Then she said that she only kissed him.  I have lived with the only "kissed" story for the last 4 months.
I couple weeks ago, I became furious for some reason again about what had happened.  I made the mistake of cheating on my fiancee to get back at her.  I only hurt myself.  The girl that I was with was no where near as good looking or good in bed as my fiancee.  I told my fiancee about what had happened.  Eventually she told me that she had indeed cheated on my one time with the Army guy.  I love my fiancee very much and have never cheated on any of my girlfriends, ever, until this one time.  She did not get upset, which kinda disappointed me because I was wanting to hurt her like she had hurt me.  
I am now thinking of leaving.  I don't know how to get the cheating out of my mind, and at the same time, I love this woman with all my heart.  I simply do not know how to forget and forgive her for what she has done to me.  I feel like a part of her was stolen by this man and I don't know how to get us back to the way we were before all of this happened.  I know that if I make up my mind to leave her that I will never come back and that I will never talk to her again.  So whatever decision that I make, I will stick with.
Can you please give me some advise or suggestions on how to deal with this situation or what you would do in a situation like this?
Thank You,

Answer
Hello Richard, I will try to help you with your dilemma. Cheating is one of the ultimate acts of betrayal in a relationship, and once done, can do irrepairable damage, you see this now for yourself. As far as your fiance', she's not ready for marriage, as well as you either, because you have to decide whether you want to go from a cheating girlfriend to a cheating wife. Do yourselves a favor, and just take a break for awhile to assess your relationship, and you will have a different outlook in a few weeks or months. There's no rush to get married, in fact too many people rush into something without actually thinking longterm, but this is an instance where you must. I have always kept the saying, "first mistake, shame on you, make the same mistake twice, shame on me"....you understand? Don't allow yourself to be taken for granted in such a way, you deserve the best in life, and if you decide that you actually want to marry this woman do so with an open heart and putting the past where it belongs, because marriage is based on trust, respect and committment, and if you two are ready I wish you both the best.