Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 10/17/2007

Question
So, I have been dating a woman for roughly 10 months now and around 2 months ago she came to me and told me she had cheated on me. I guess to be up front this is not a new situation to me, but I'm now standing in the other shoes, I guess you could call it my karma. I have known this girl since my early teens and we recently re-acquainted ourselves 10 years later. Anyways she was diagnosed before we met with bipolar disorder and suffers from mania which I noticed shortly after we started dating give her hyper emotion and hyper sexual activity. She had started a new job where about a month and half into she started flirting with one of her coworkers. One week later after her menstrual cycle comes to end she ends up fooling around and having brief sex with her coworker in the office. This completely caught me off guard. I left immediately after she told me to think this over and then decided that if she were to show me action and take care of her mental states then I would come back and work through this. I also sat down with the coworker and basically warned him what would come if I even suspected anything in the future. It might have not been the brightest thing to do. She had told me the day it happened and several days later she came to me and stated that she couldn’t believe that it was reality and that it happened. Now I have been studying on this condition and her symptoms seem to match, but I just don’t know what to expect to come. That’s were I stand right now. First off I have to deal with the fact she goes to work with this kid everyday, that’s right a 21 year old kid. We are both almost in our 30’s. How do I deal with this? Do I take her word and promise that she never wanted this to happen and it won’t happen again? How do I handle her work situation? I wear skepticism around my neck and its getting tiring.

Answer
You have to make the decision in your head that based on your feelings you are satisfied with her words.  You have to totally believe that she is telling the truth.  That is, if you really believe her.  Feelings and emotions never lie.  You just have to pay close attention and listen carefully. If she shows you that she really loves you, then give her a chance if it is worth it for you.  The main thing that you have to remember about her condition is that people who are bipolar do tend to be preconscious and at times sexually irresponsible when they are manic.  It is not about sex, it is more about a need to fulfill some arbitrary void. You have a lot of decisions to make.  Good luck.