Expert: Don - 9/11/2007

Question
Before I give some background, here is a brief summary...

My ex girlfriend is now seriously seeing someone I am friends with and who I see at a weekly poker game.  We have mutual friends, and it was me who introduced them.  For me to move on and have respect for myself, I have a few people to deal with since this is all within a circle of friends.  I have to deal with my ex, the new boyfriend who is somewhat of a friend, and then the other friend directly involved.  

I will do my best to separate things because I believe they are separate matters to be dealt with.

In the end, my questions here are what to do about my final confrontations with my friends, who lied but were put in that position by my ex, who I blame for all of this going poorly.  And I will also say that no matter how all of this comes out, I believe that this friend and my ex belong together.  I mean that sincerely.

I think we need some history on my ex first.


Me and my ex...

I was living with my ex until about 5 weeks ago, but we had ended things a month before that.  I am pretty sure our relationship would not have worked out, but I know that deep down we did care about each other a great deal even if we could not make it work.

Just before I moved out, we slept together one last time and had a great night of open talking and caring for each other as people before we moved on in life.  2 days later, 3 days before I moved, she slept elsewhere blaming "too drunk to drive" as why.  I knew for a fact she was out with this friend of mine, and ran in to the shower the next morning before even saying hello or looking at me.  After telling her what I thought, she ignored me and told me I was nuts.  I knew the truth, and it hurt a lot on many levels.  Especially because I thought we had healed some wounds, and were on our way to ending things with respect and dignity, and even a little love.

The following weeks, we talked a bit as she tried to prove her friendship, but I couldn't stand her and still felt lied to.  Which she continued to build on by being fake to me and beating around the bush about things, and other things that went on proved to me that she was already in a fully blown relationship with my "friend".  

And even though I felt beat on, I did explore our relationship to learn from it because I wasn't in a new relationship.  Through that, I found my own intimacy issues, and felt the need to tell her about it so she would always know the truth about a few things and so I could get it off my chest.  Did she deserve that?  No.  It was all about me needing to get it out and be the best human I could.

So... last week it all came to a head when I learned they were getting serious just weeks later, no one told me anything about it in this circle, and I decided it was time to let it out regardless of outcomes under the idea that "the truth will set you free".  I forced her to tell me about the relationship, and days later I told her about my thoughts on our relationship, and that no matter how it was interpreted I was actually happy for her because I think they belong together more than her and I ever did.  No change in course, I didn't want one, but I certainly felt better that the lie was out.

I'm glad I confronted her, and now I feel as though I can move forward and go to my poker games without feeling like everyone knows something I don't.  But she did break the little trust we had rebuilt, and I have no need to see her anymore or at least for a while so I can move on.  And as I am about to get to, she is still not totally truthful with everyone.


The new boyfriend, my "friend"....

About 6 months ago a close friend invited me to play poker in a weekly game he plays in.  I started playing, and got to know the guys.  I didn't become the best of friends with them, but it was a great guys night, and eventually I would become closer with them.

These guys started coming to parties at our house, and my ex met this guy.  She was committed to me at the time, but clearly they were getting along.  I wasn't jealous, but I did see that they had some serious potential as my ex and I began to have trouble.

Now that everything is out in the open, it is time to confront him because he has hidden from me since this started, or we'll never have a peaceful poker game and I'll have lost the friends I made, and even disrespected myself by not confronting things directly.  I already can't stand myself for never confronting this friend of mine immediately when it started and I still lived with her.

While I wanted to be the bigger person and wish them well, I now see that there are two things I have to deal with or I'll never let it go.  

First, he was less than a man about dealing with this and I'm pissed.  I felt he owed me more than that.  Second, he may be having a great new relationship that was meant to be, but my timeline suggests that we were both lied to, and my ex was the creator of this situation to get what she wants.  As someone I am ultimately trying to be open with so we can be friends, now I wonder if he needs truth from me, like I wanted truth from him and anyone else I call friend.

I have to tell him I'm mad about not talking to me and avoiding poker from the day she slept out before I moved.  But do I tell him that she slept with me two days before she slept at his place?

In my heart, I don't want to ruin a good thing for them because I think it is better off.  But I also think that the truth does set us free, and if they are to really be solid, and I am to be their friend at all, don't we need to have the full truth out there?


My other friend from the poker game, best friend of guy seeing my ex...

I'm mad for the same reasons, and then some.  He was asked to hide the truth from me, and is a solid friend of the guy seeing my ex.  But I've known this guy for many years, I know he is doing this on my ex's request so that I don't get hurt.

Like the guy seeing my ex, I have to tell him that I am ok with them being together, I knew all along that he was lying, and that if we are to be friends then we can't do that shit.  I have to talk to him too, I know him the best, and I do care about everyone's feelings here.  

My question to you is if I should talk with him first, bring up the timeline as I see it where she lied to all of us and go from there, or if this person is the last to be dealt with and I should keep the "lied to both of us" between me and the guy seeing my ex if I bring it up at all?

Or... do I stop playing poker, cut the ties, and move on all together?  That would be the worse scenario, but I feel like I'm doing all the work to set this straight, and none of these people are truly being my friend.  This would be the worse scenario for me given that I really just want to move on and wish them no malice in being together from here on.


Thanks for reading all of this, and I look forward to any and all thoughts!!!

Answer
I wouldn't tell the new boyfriend about you sleeping with your ex that last time, if you really want them to be happy then you should just keep your mouth shut. If you tell him you won't have to worry about quitting the poker game, they'll put you out of it. It's not your place to tell the guy, that's between her and him.

If you want to continue to play poker, then play poker, honestly the guy doesn't owe you an apologize, you said that you broke up with your girlfriend a month before that night she stayed out all night and when you think he sleep with her. You have no proof they did anything before that night and since the two of you were broken up anyway, she had ever right to go and sleep with whomever she wanted even if she had just slept with you the day or a couple of days before.

I think you should just put everything behind you, if you really like the poker game, then continue to go. You don't have to socialize with those other guys on any other night, just be cordial with them during the game and everything should be fine.

And as far as your ex-girlfriend just try to avoid her for awhile, if you know she is going to be somewhere then don't go, if you know she'll be at the game, then don't go that night, just try to get past her.

If you really are happy for them, keep the sex with the ex a secret and if you really like playing poker, just go and have fun, don't be mad at those guys and just realize that you can't trust everybody in the future.