Expert: Drea Jean - 5/25/2006

Question
Hello Drea Jean,   On and off through two past relationships I ve
had this other guy   who I ve always had a bit of a crush on. I
hate to admitt it, but   during the past two commited
relationships I ve been involved   with we ve met up and flirted,
gone on dates and kissed   occasionally. I fessed up when this
happend again while I was in   my most recent relationship. My
boyfriend and I recently broke   up (unrelated to the other man).
I m devestated. I love him with   all of my heart and miss him
terribly.   When the  other man  called and wanted to go to
dinner, I   thought it would be the perfect way to get my mind
off   everything, espeically considering how much chemistry we
have,   and how much fun we always have.   But.... it wasn t fun.
I know he had fun, but the exhilerating   feeling I had felt with
him before was gone. I was wondering if it   is a symptom of
thinking of him not as  forbidden  (since I m   single, and we ve
never met when we both were single) but as   the guy I wanted
to help me get through the pain and loss that I   am going
through from my break up. I thought about my )now   ex)
boyfriend alot through the night, something I d never   thought
of while I was illicitly involved with this other guy. Is this   
normal? Do you think some people are only attractive when you   
shouldn t have them? I appreciate your input and any advice you   
have! thanks in advance!

Answer
Hi,

Yes, completley. Its "tasting the forbidden fruit". Some people will only turn you on, when it is something illicet and secretive. Even if you are in a fantastic relationship, you will find that draw very appealing, and, as you have discovered, not so great when there is nothing to hide. It is perfectly normal, and probably something you will need to learn how to control with time.

As a matter of fact, in one of my previous relationships I had this thing with a guy behind my boyfriends back. We flirted and talked, and I thought about him even when I was with my boyfriend. We never did anything. When I finally broke up with my boyfriend, he lost interest in me. It was like he only wanted to be "the other guy". So, a few years later, new boyfriend, the old crush showed back up, and it started again. Well, after I left boyfriend no. 2, my crush and I slept together, and it was terrible. All that forbidden passion was gone, and neither of us were really interested anymore. So, now, we run into one another once in awhile, and even though I have been in other relationships, we don't have that same thing anymore, after we both realized it was the sneaking around we found hot, not really one another.

But you mentioned you have just come out of a relationship. And you could still be healing. It is a possibility that you and your crush could have a relationship, but until you feel ready to move on from your ex, it may not work. So don't be TOO quick to think it was just the forbidden passion. Give yourself time to heal, and if you discover even at that time, the passion and fire are gone, then it was all passion for sneaking around, and not really him.

Good Luck and Thanks,

Drea Jean