Expert: Dear Shay - 10/29/2002

Question
A little over two years ago, I went through a bad breakup. I had dated this man for almost 8 years. I broke up with him. Within the month he showed up with an engagment ring. WHile I dearly loved him, I felt deep down SOMETHING was not right, and I said no. Within two months, I moved 2500 miles away. I knew that with the similar friends we had, the similar places we liked, I needed to get out of there for a while. It was NOT easy to leave, but I felt I had to.

A few months after I moved, I hit rock bottom. I knew something had happened with my ex. I finally got him to admit he had been cheating on me. He had been and started dating the girl, who personally, could not have been MORE trailer trash than she. I was personally crushed and wounded. I could not believe he chose soomeone like her and let me leave. I became a little reckless, which is pretty outside my own demeanor.

So here it is over two years later. I feel like I let a lot of the pain go. I am well established in a new city with really great friends, but they are either married or gay, all of which I am not. I am going crazy with lonliness.

Another problem? My parents are ailing in my initial city and I may be moving back. I would not mind as I feel like I am stronger than ever...but. My ex still e-mails me and still intervenes in my world. We have many mutual friends. They love me more (and I KNOW they do), but he still is around. I still hurt sometimes over the whole thing. I TOTALLY can forgive people, but I can't forget. Sometimes I still get really upset.

I have dated some guys here, but NO ONE has even compared to the good parts of the ex.

I also feel like I am getting ugly as I have aged.   Everyone is always telling me that I take such good care of everything and myself, but when I look in the mirror, I feel ugly and shear horror.

Answer
Hun, I am sorry you are going through this right now. But, you need to ask yourself a few questions. Would you be thinking about him if you had someone in your life? Do you only think about him when you are at your lonliest? If so, you need to be careful not to confuse any emotions here..or that will leave you more hurt than now. Think of WHY you broke up with him, think about why it felt wrong to be with him. Do you really think that feeling would go away if you went back? Chances are, it wont. I have actually been in your exact position. I know completely what your feeling. But, what I learned is that being lonely does incredible things to you. Its almost like you become a different person. We want the one thing back in our lives we tried so hard to get rid of. And we tend to second-guess ourselves and our decisions. I did go back, for a little while..and it proved to me how wrong I was to do that. He was the same person, and I couldnt get over his infidelities. Even if you were to go back to your ex, he still cheated on you previously...those feelings will not go away. They are deep rooted emotions and you may not get over what happened. You may meet someone a few months from now, and through that you will find peace..because you will know how much better of a person you are.
As for you aging, hun, I am sure you are a knock-out. Look at other women your age, do you see any difference? I bet honestly, you do. You said yourself that you are well extablished, you stood strong in all your new surroundings, when most of us would have just gone back. Your beauty comes not only from the outside, but from WHO you have become as an individual. That is what is most attractive. Go schedule yourself a day at the spa, relax and rejuvinate. You deserve it. And if you plan to go back to the other city, try to meet people again, and stay some distance way from your ex. At least until you find someone you can start fresh with. Good luck hun!