Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 12/4/2007

Question
Hello,
I am currently thinking about leaving my boyfriend. I really love him but I want to eliminate any future misery that I may encounter.
In short, my boyfriends history isn't good. He was married for four years and then cheated on his wife while on vacation. Upon returning he told her what he had done and wanted to leave her. I have talked to his ex-wife about this and she said that she told him that he had cheated "as if he was telling me that he was going to the grocery store." He had no guilt or remorse in his eyes, she said.
So, I get involved with him two years later. For the first several months of dating we were happy and then he moved. He kept accusing me of cheating, when I was not. I know that is a red flag that he was cheating. Much, much later down the road (a year or so later) he tells me that he did cheat on me once; he had a one night stand when he first moved.
The two situations are very different. In the first situation he told her outright, right after it happened and wanted to leave (after the divorce papers were being drafted I think he changed his mind--according to his ex-wife).
In my situation, he hid it from me. I had to constantly harp at him for him to tell me what he had done (and he told me a year later). He said he felt guilty about it and told me that he didn't tell me right away because he knew that it would never happen again.
He says that he has learned that he can't hurt people like that anymore and he will not ever cheat again. What do you think? According to him he has only cheated on the two of us. Can he really stop cheating? Should I run out now before he cheats on me when we have a family? Please, from a man's standpoint, let me know what you think he's all about. I have to make some big decisions soon (about moving in together) so I need some advice fast.
HELP!

Answer
I do not believe in the saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater"...  at least not all the time.  If a man has truly come to his senses and has seen the err in his ways, then it is possible to change.  The problem with trying to fix such a major problem is; when you are trying to do it on your own, you have no one to hold you accountable.  In other words, he will need some intervention from outside people, psychologist, pastor, close friend, etc.  The best way to resolve this matter is to talk candidly with him and make him understand that you are standing with one foot outside of the door and are ready to leave if he does not fight to keep you.  I do believe him when he says that he feels bad about what he has done, but that is not enough to make him never do it again.  His love for you has to be stronger than his desire for a sexual panacea to his emotional illness.  He has a void that needs to be filled with love.  Sex is the usual substitute for a love need that is not being met.  

B Frank