Expert: Amanda L. - 3/3/2004

Question
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Followup To
Question -
   She didn't actually cheat, but it feels like it. The day she broke up with me she said she needed to figure some things out for herself.  I was hurt but thought it was a good idea, she left me with the prospect of getting back together in the future.  That night we hung out I started to feel upset about the whole thing, so i was a little cold, and told her how I felt flat out.  We talked a bit she said she was tired and left at around ten o'clock.  That was three days ago.       
   In keeping with the still best friends thing we hung out last night and kicked it with a few of our friends.  After they left me and my ex got to talking and she confessed that the night of the break up, after she left my house she went dringing with an ex boyfriend.  She still holds a candle for him and she ended up sleeping with him.  She began to cry and i felt like a fool for ever being with her and not seeing it coming.  But ,well, we were broken up.
She is remorseful and wants the option of getting back together still there.  I told her i'd have to think about everything.  In my weakness I also kind of forgave her.  I never threw things or kicked a door in or slapped her. I just felt this cold ball of lead in my stomach.  I didn't even go over and punch this guy in the neck for being a no-class bum. Does that make me less of a man? What should i do?
Answer -
Ted,

Deception hurts. She deceived you! From what you told me it really seems like she broke up with you because she wanted to have a fling. Its good and bad. it's good because she didn't actually cheat on you but it's bad because she broke up with you for someone else.
I've been in this exact situation except I was the girl. In my case I didn't stop going back to him even though I got back into the relationship. When a girl holds a candle for someone else it makes them weak. Regardless of how much they say they want to be with you there could come a situation where the opportunity is there and because he makes her weak she won't be able to resist. It's a tough call and I think ultimately its up to you because you're taking a risk staying with her.

Amanda L.


Dear Amanda
Last night we got together and had a few drinks.  The previous night i had thought some things out and made the determination to still be there for her as a friend.  I love her but  I can't be with her after that fiasco right now; plus I have to see where this thing goes with her ex.  I realized that the relationship as it was is over so I won't keep all these feelings that won't get me anywhere.  I don't want to be some needy guy that follows her around like a puppy hoping and praying that she'll see the light.
Anyway we had a few drinks and went back to my place. We talked about things outside the feelings we have for oneanother and her ex (at least not in the context of her getting back with him) and our relationship in general as it stands.  She wanted a hug so I gave it to her and a kiss and i reluctantly abliged, knowing it wasn't the smartest thing to do.  We talked some more and she crawled across the couch and layed her head on my chest and we slept until 1:30 in the am.  I woke her up and said we have to find a better place to sleep so we crawled into my bed and slept.
  This morning we woke up and wished her a great day at work and told her to give me a call.  Did I just complicate our relationship by letting her spend the night?  I don't wan't to get back together with her right now or in the near future, but I don't want to see her with her jerk ex boyfriend.  I should just let her do what she wants right and let the cards fall where they may, right?  Will her ex die in a fiery motorcycle accident, my magic eight ball says "conditions are worse", should i beleave it?  
         Thanks,
         Ted


Answer
Ted,

Things did just get complicated by you letting her spend the night.  She's probably really confused right now, and having that intimate moment with you again probably confused her more.
I understand that you still care about her and don't want to see her with her "jerk ex boyfriend" but what you need to understand is that it's her life. Sometimes people need to continue making the mistakes they do to learn from them and if it takes twice with him or twenty times with him for her to understand that it's not the right place for her then thats what it'll take.  All you can do at this point if you don't want to get back in a relationship with her is just be a friend.  Let her make her mistakes and when she's hit bottom be there to pick her up.

Amanda L.