Expert: Sam E - 3/12/2007

Question
We have been back and forth since OCTOBER 2005. I dumped him then because he had asked me to be his wife 2004 (Feb) On aug 29,2005 I found out the he cheated. I was TOTALLY devestated BEYOND BELIEF...I had ZERO clues. We were seperated for 3 months in which he took that opportunity to sleep with several various women. Once he came back and seemed sincere and pretty messed up..i tried my best to put what he did behind us...VERY VERY HARD TO DO..VERY!!! So from 2005 to Oct.2006 I would constantly think about what he did and we'd often argue. Well I bought my house in Oct 10, 06...well on Oct. 17 I found out about this woman and put him out...I HADN"T GOTTEN PAST THE 1ST DEVESTATION and he does it again? CLAIMING THEY WERE ONLY FRIENDS!!! But the minute I dumped him he slept with her and I mean she decorated his new apartment and all (NO CHEAP STUFF EITHER!!!)Well he finally came back after 4 months of NO CONTACT...I couldn't deal with him. So to make a long story short we had a few run in about her, he swore she maent nothing, but she even started saying that she was pregnant. I flipped so we went back and forth. We fight, he'd go back to his place, mess with other women. So I finally got fed up and started seeing someone else and did not bother him. (he had been messing with a new woman named Darlene..she spent and entire weekend at his place..so I was over it) Well Feb 14 (the same day he purposed) he came crawling back..I didn't bite. He tried eveything..money for our son, gifts, flowers, crying, etc. (I refused all). so eventually he showed up at my door while I had company and went crazy...he actually climbed on a make shift latter to look into my bedroom window and was crying and begging me to make my friend leave(Did I say this was 3:00 am) I refuse and told him to leave. He asked to just talk for 5 minutes. With my friends urging I went outsdie and heard the same sob story he's given me for years (DID I TELL YOU WE HAVE 10 years together..living and all)anyway I told him that I would THINK about what he said if he would just go away. so he left. But early the next morning he was back @ 8:00 sharp...with the same carp..this went on for the rest of the day and once my friend left..he forced his way in by getting out 7 year old to open the door. Because of his state of mind crying and jsut plan pitiful...I allowed him to spend the day with us, but I told him I didn't want him back, but he begged all day. His grandmother had died to days prior so he was laeving town the next day. Long story short he begged the entire time he was gone...constantly on the phone with me (when he usually hangs out at the club) he was gone for 1 full week. the minute he came back he came straight to my house and I allowed him to stay all the while saying I don't want a relationship (at the same time praying and hoping he had really changed like he was trying to convince me he had)NO EXCUSE, but doing the next 2 weeks he would constantly tell me he loved me (I wouldn't and couldn't tell him..although he would ask me to)he bought flowers, dinner, whatever I wanted. He seemed too be really trying. We hit a few bumps because I REFUSED to utter I LOVE YOU and I really didn't want him sexually, but sometimes did it for him..but it was apparent I wasn't enjoying it. Anyway he finally got the child support notice that I had established in OCT when he left. So he wanted me to drop it. I told him give me the opportunity to see he has made a change, and that he wouldn't be in and out at will and I would consider it. At first he seemed ok with it, but whenever he would leave for work he call me with the drama again. He told me that IF i didn't drop it he would leave and go home..FIGURES so I let him go. Well he has only been gone for 4 days and he constanly called to change my mind about the child support..I wouldn't. So since all we did was argue and say nasty things I just stopped answering his calls altogether. he called about 5 to 6 times daily anyway and would leave messages, because I wasn't going to answer (I did not wnat to argue) well on Friday after 10 pm his calls stopped so I got suspicous..and went to his place. He wasn't home...so I check several spots (various women homes he messed with) no Sheldon...finally on my way home I decided to check hotels near his place and BINGO. It was 5:30 am when I pulled into the RED ROOF INN....and long story short after waiting several hours and getting a friend to make several calls to the hotel we found out he was in room 319 with the woman I kicked out of the house for when he chaeted the 2nd time!!!! Jimeka..the one he swore he was not dealing with. Long story short..he saw my car in the lot, he sent her out to see if I was there..he even called the front desk to see if the manager could get me to leave the property. he would never show his face, but his truck was there and he knew he was busted. Well I had a few words with Jimeka whom immediately said she was pregnant and left. I was devestated once again and he REFUSE to come out of the room although it was way past check out...she seemed to think it was humorous..I could have really harmed her, but she didn't force him to be there. I went home and fell apart.Well I destroyed all his/our photos and dumped them in front of his door. I went back later and he came out and I couldn't bare to look at him..he blamed it all on me cause I wouldn't tell him I loved him, I wouldn't drop the child support, I wouldn't answer his call...blah, blah, blah!!! I cannot go thru this again..he's slept with at least 10 women over the last 2 years and I am about to lose my mind..PLEASE HELP and TELL ME YOUR BEST ADVICE....I know deep in my heart I have to let him go but when I do he comes back acting a fool...help!!!

Answer
You need to ask yourself why you would stay with someone who clearly has no love or respect for you? This is clearly a very toxic relationship. He hurts you and you keep taking it. It’s time to tell him enough. Stand up for yourself! Your worth a lot more than what this joker has to offer you. You know its not your fault and you know that he doesn’t care for you one bit, so why stay?
All this time you are wasting on him is time that could be spent on someone who truly does love you.  Getting over this is not easy. It takes time and a lot of it.
Spend some time with friends and family. Do what you can to enjoy the things you love doing.   Even if you have to fake it. Go enjoy yourself. Surround yourself with people who love and care for you. Let them be your anchor. You will never make this man love you so stop trying. . You also need to work on your self-esteem. Cheaters cause great pain and tear down even the most confident of people! Remember, she is the one with the issues, not you! You need to work on bettering yourself and your life. Focus on yourself and making your life better! Go back to school, work out, whatever it takes to get your self esteem back. All the things you have ever wanted to do but put on the back burner, you can now do. Change career, go back to school, buy a farm. Whatever it is that will make you happy. You clearly suffer from low self-esteem but trust me, once you tell this jerk to hit the road you will feel 1000 times better. Believe me! If that does not help you, remember that AIDS is still out there and in record numbers. Your life is in danger eveytime he cheats! He is not worth death!
I hope this helps and write me anytime!
Sam