Expert: Don - 5/16/2007

Question
QUESTION: I have been involved with a much older man for about 10 years. In that time, he had moved in with me, given me a diamond and said he wanted to marry me. I have hung on when I should not. He said he had a sister who he visited out in Oregon. I found out she was not his sister. I caught him soliciting sex on the Internet and found out other evidence of him cheating with other people. In November of last year, I finally had it and kicked him out. He had continued to contact me and promised he would not hurt me anymore. Said he loved me etc. I have since found out that he again was on an erotic website looking for group sex, oral sex, anal sex, partner swapping and a lot of other disgusting stuff. He has had a lifetime history with infidelity and lying. Now that he is again caught red handed, he has adopted a very hard attitude about it. He does not seem to feel any remorse, nor realize how he has torn me apart. I am having a very tough time getting over him as stupid as that sounds. Is it possible he can ever change as a potential sex addict? Why would he do these kinds of things when he knows how much it has hurt me? I just don't understand. I am an attractive, talented young woman with a lot of potential in life and I have wasted so much time with him with empty promises of a life together and having a child together. What makes men do these things? He is currently an over-the-road truck driver and obviously likes the nationwide opportunities he gets to cheat. You would think he would finally like to have something that is meaningful.

ANSWER: I know it's hard to accept but you already know the answer to this question. He isn't going to change and you've given him enough of yourself and your time. It's time to let him go and find somebody worth your time. You've already given him 10 years of your life and what have you gotten out of it but a bunch of empty promises and infidelity. How much more are you willing to take?

You said it yourself, you are an attractive, talented young woman with a lot of potential in life, so why waste any more of your talent or youth on a man who is obviously not willing to appreciate all that you have to offer.

It's time to leave him behind and find a man who is willing and able to turn promises into reality.

I hoped this helped and good luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your response. I guess what I  am wrestling with is why he would do something like this over and over. Would he be considered a sex addict and why? How can someone do this kind of thing without remorse? Can he still actually love someone and do this? I do appreciate your help as I try to put my life back together.

Answer
Let's say he was a sex addict, that would explain his need for constant sex, not his lack of remorse. I could see if he was having sex and cheating on you and felt bad about it or was trying to get help for his sexual addiction. You make it seem like he doesn't even care if he hurts your feelings by having sex or looking for sex from other people. His actions show that he doesn't love you, if he loved you he'd at least feel bad about what he was doing, or he would at least attempt to see a therapist or counselor so that he could overcome his addiction. Since he is doing none of those things, it leads me to believe that even if he is a sex addict, he still doesn't care enough about you to at try not to hurt you.

So I don't think he's a sex addict at all, he's just a selfish man that only cares about his own physical and emotional needs and doesn't care whom he hurts in the process of getting his needs met.