Expert: Don - 12/27/2007

Question
I am 26, she is 22. We both have had few long relationships in the past. Both of us are not from the state we live in (California). She told me she feels I am the one. She mostly has guy friends, as she claims women can be too bitchy and jealous. I have a hard time copying with this. We have been together now for a little over two months and I am deeply in love with her. She says she feels the same. We plan vacations together and talk about the future together with ease. She also told me she never cheated and never would. I have to admit I never caught her lieing about anything or her past. The only problem has been the many single guy friends from back home who call her/write her all the time to catch up and refer to her as sweetie, miss you, love you, etc...Two things have happened until now. While I was visiting home for Thanksgiving, her best friend, a straight single guy, flew in all the way from the east coast to visit her (it was apparently planned before we met) and spent a week at her place sharing the same room (possibly bed, I will never know, although she claimed he slept on a futon). She claimed nothing ever went on with this guy in the past except friendship, but he writes her and calls her all the time. He writes her on facebook wall that he loves her and that he misses her knowing that I will read it. She has written the same things to him especially before meeting me. I came back the last night before he would leave. She asked me to meet him and I said I didn't care because he had set the wrong tone with his messages before his visit. She took it personally and was angry because I didn't want to meet her "best friend". Was I so wrong? We got over it and promised to better communicate next time. He still writes her "Love you and miss you" on the cell and she'll reply "Love you and miss you too BUDDY".
We are now both back home for Christmas break in different states. She went home to stay with her grandma because her parents now live in another country. The first night she got there she went to a club from 10 pm to 2 am, (with bunch of guys friends, and her ex of when she was 16 among them). When I tried calling her around 10 pm she didn't pick up but text me she would call me once home. At 2 am I get another message saying she is off to an after hour club. I fell asleep and didn't hear from her until 1 pm the day after. I did try calling two times around 5-6 am as I had woken up and imagined she would be home by then but she didn't pick up. She said there is no reception at her grandma's house but the phone wouldn't go straight to voice mail but it would actually ring a few times before. Again, we got in argument after I told her that I would club all night
only if i were single or if i didn't give a shit about my girlfriend. She got offended and implied I meant she doesn't give a shit and that my jealousy is feding her up. What do you think? Am I overreacting or she is up to not good behind my back?

Answer
I definitely think you're overreacting. First off about her friends you need to remember that she had a life before she ever met you. It wasn't like she was born one day and met you the next, before she met you she had already been alive 22 years and in that time, she has met and made a lot of friends and it would be wrong for you to think that just because she's dating you says that she loves you that she isn't going still have friends from before she met you and still want to talk and hang out with them. There is nothing wrong with a male and female being best friends and saying they love each other, it doesn't mean that they are involved in a relationship that's more than platonic and it doesn't mean that they are in love with each other. So you shouldn't get upset every time she talks to a guy friend, especially a guy friend that she has known way longer than you have know her.

As far as the club thing goes, there is nothing wrong with people who are in a relationship to go out to a club and have a good time every once and awhile, as long as she isn't out giving her phone number to strangers to hooking up with other guys, she's still allowed to have fun when you aren't around.

I don't think she is up to anything, she appears to be open and honest with you about where she is going and what she is doing, you are just overreacting and you need to stop before your jealous ways ruin your relationship.