Expert: John Mayer - 8/26/2004

Question
I've met a guy online who is married.  Now he says that it is an unhappy marriage, given me all the reasons, etc.  Says he won't leave her, he wants her to initiate the divorce.  They got married very young (at 18 & 21).  He's never been with another woman besides her.  He tells me how miserable they both are to each other.  And he tells me that he's got feelings for me...etc.

How can I tell if he is really unhappy and wants out, would actually leave or just wants an affair?

Answer
Sherri,

Id appreciate it if you rated my answer

Thanks
John



Sherri,

Thanks for responding me! Dating a man or woman who is married is never easy. As is in your case you want to believe he truly loves you and would leave her for you. There are a couple of things to consider in an arrangement like this:

1. Is he blowing smoke at you by saying by saying mean/sad things about her to keep you interested? Thus in turn boosting your ego and making you seem "better then" her. Trust me this happens yet is rarely ever mentioned. Its just a subtle trait that married men exhibit and use when pursuing an outside love affair.

2. Since he's waiting for her to initiate the divorce, the wait that you could be in for could be very long and even infinite. As its known that a lot of women rarely initiate divorce over just pure unhappiness. And you dont say whether or not they have kids or not as this would play a large roll in whether or not she will initiate a divorce or not. She will most likely stay for the sake of the kids unless its absolutely downright unhealthy for there existence. Women always live for there kids, if there sane that is.
3. Unfortunately you must keep in mind that this is his life and not yours. Something may happen and something may not. If you truly like him and love him and he feels the same then he should leave her and be with you. Logically and morally this is correct and the only valid thought process here.

In conclusion, sit him down and ask exactly what he wants.

Does he want just sex?
Has she mentioned divorce or is he assuming she wants it?
- keep in mind the kids variable i mentioned above
What are the reasons they would consider divorcing:
1. Lack of Money or misappropriation of income
2. Lack of sex
3. Miscommunication
4. Verbal or Physical abuse

Those are the major reasons - Keep in mind that when he leaves her, he brings those issues or some of them with him. You've only seen a few sides to him and not all sides. Always two sides to every coin..

Just sit him down and have no holds barred conversation and dont settle for a BS answer. If he cant provide legitimate answers that satisfy your interests then id suspect hes stalling or lieing to you.

Good luck and let me know how it goes.

John