Expert: Dear Shay - 9/25/2002

Question
I am 18 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. Our relationship wasn't that great for the first two years, mainly because we were both young and immature at the time.  It wasn't until the third year that things got really serious between us. This past Christmas I took a family vacation to Mexico for 3 weeks.  When I cam back early January, I noticed that my boyfriend was acting distant and I sensed something had changed between us.  Upon questioning him, he was reluctant but eventually explained to me that he needed space and he wanted to see other people, but he still wanted me in his life. Confused, I eventually gave him an ultimatum.  After two confusing weeks, he told he he would stay with me, and to forget all about his proposal.  I went along with it. This was late January.  Still, things felt a little funny.  It wasn't until I forced it out of him in early February that he confessed to me of his two month online relationship with a girl he had met in a chat room while I was gone.  He claims that they met online and saw each other once at the mall.  They continued their relationship over the phone even when I got back from Mexico, and he admitted he had had a crush on her.  I was completely devastated.  He even confessed to me that he thought she was way prettier than me and he would've chosen her over me.  He claims that she didn't have the best personality, and things didn't work out.  Along with this he realized he loves me.  It's been six months since then, six months of an emotional roller coaster.  There are times when I feel like I love him and want to be with him no matter what, but there are days when I feel extremely low.  I've had moments where I feel like I'm going to go crazy with all the pain and confusement.  I also hold a lot of resentment towards him. I don't know if this is normal, but what hurts the most is his confession of how he thought she was much more prettier.  No matter how hard I try, every time I think of this my heart fills with pain and anger, like the very first day. Things don't feel the same.  When he tells me I look pretty...I cringe. I feel like he's always comparing me to her, and I feel like a second resort.  I realize that this was his honest opinion about her, but it just hurts so much and I get so angry when I think about it.  Please help me identify the source of my problem...because it's affected me so much and it hasn't gone away...even after 6 months the pain is still fresh.  Thank you for your time.

-Iyary

Answer
The source of your problem is HIM. Hun, dont feel bad..feel angry, feel hurt and feel betrayed..because that is what he is making you feel like! It was a bad move on his part to say that a girl was prettier than you..does he not have any respect for you? I think you both need to get some space. He isnt ready to settle down...and you need time to get over all this pain. Take time apart, and see where things go. Things dont feel the same, they never will. Not unless you do something about it. If you cant move past this hurt and anger towards him....you cant continue in this relationship. You may always feel resentment towards him, and that isnt something you can control. He hurt you. And he used your self esteem to go along with it. I think this relationship may just be better off as a memory, rather than here and now. You deserve better hun. Good luck..let me know how it goes.