Expert: Sam E - 10/19/2006

Question
I am in a LDR with my girlfriend of three years but she recently admitted that she had cheated on me. She goes to college in a town that is not too far from me but we hardly see each other. She said, and I believe her, that she really loves me and that this was a mistake she regrets. However, I can't take it out of my mind and forget about it. I am angry that she ruined the purity of our love story. It feels like it's no longer "a dream come true" — merely a watered down version of it because it is no longer "flawless." I was her first, and she was mine. I'm really in love with her and I can't bring myself to break up with her just for that. I was also planning on proposing to her in the near future but i don't see how i can bring myself to ever doing that now. How can I forgive her? Will I always keep this poisonous thought inside? How can I prevent this from shadowing every aspect of our relationship? Am I "selling short" and blind to her untrustworthiness? How can I trust her again?

Answer
Time apart is what you need. You can't expect to jump right back into her arms and feel the same as before you knew. This is impossible. She broke your trust and that hurts. It hurts bad! Take time apart and seek counseling. You will not heal from this if she is always around. It is like a festering wound that she keeps picking at. Take a few weeks off from her. This means, no contact but maybe a call every once in a while but nothing more. As you now know ignoring it will not make it go away it only drives you crazier and makes you madder! I am not sure if at first the therapist will want couple counseling, this may come after the break apart. Things can someday be the same again but she now has to prove she is trust worthy and worth a second chance. If you jump right back into the relationship without time to heal, you will eventually end up exploding because it will pick at you until there is nothing left. Tell her she needs to stay away while you think and seek some help with this. She should be understanding of this, if she is not, you may want to consider leaving her forever.  This would show that she really doesn’t see what effect this has had on you two (regardless of what she says. Words are just that and actions speak loader)and it will most likely occur again in the future.
She should want you to do whatever it takes to heal this broken heart of yours, if not, she is not worthy of having it
Hope this helps! Good luck, and write me anytime
Sam